Confessions Re: Several Men I’ve Loved

It’s been years since you moved and years since we’ve meant something to one another but I still frantically contact my closest friends whenever we pass each other on the street by chance. I’m inclined to believe that the way you continue to find me in this crowded city after all this time means something, even though I know better.

When I think about the You I used to know and the You that you’ve become, I know it would’ve never worked out. And of all my recurring thoughts, this is perhaps the most accidentally comforting.

Once, we sat side-by-side in a restaurant booth and I told you the song “Stuck in the Middle with You” reminded me of us; but when I tried to explain why and began to dissect the lyrics I learned the song is about superficiality and putting on airs and not about love — not about us — and felt lost for three or four minutes after that.

The day we shunned the sunlight and stayed in bed drinking beer and watching movies is still one of my favorite days, even if the memory is ancient and the people who experienced it no longer exist.

We ran into each other one Sunday morning years ago — you looked aged and unhappy and confused and I’ve been so worried about you ever since.

I wasted my favorite song on you; I wish I’d never heard it until after we stopped knowing each other.

If we met for the first time today, I would do everything differently.

The way you challenged me was so rare and rewarding that I’m afraid I’ll spend my future looking for someone who is half the person you are — and I’ll fail. The bar you’ve set is frighteningly high and when I look down from it, I feel nauseous.

My inability to hate you excites me more than it frightens me.

There is not enough anything between us to warrant a friendship, and I don’t feel bad about it.

I don’t have as much trouble remembering the good times we had together as I let on. Somehow, our breakup doesn’t have the power to overshadow what were pretty moments between two people who began and ended as strangers.

My friends couldn’t understand what I saw in you and while I can’t put my finger on it now, I can say with confidence that their constant disapproval couldn’t have dissuaded me back then. I’m not sure if this says something about how much I loved you or about how narrow and ignorant I can be when I want someone badly enough. TC mark

image – Helga Weber

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  • wat

    what is this, a poem?

  • Impressed

    “Even if the memory is ancient and the people who experienced it no longer exist.” That line is perfect

  • Anonymous


    I wasted my favorite song on you”

  • Ugh

    Er…All thought catalog is now is repetitive “advice” or sappy teenage “love” letters. All of it sounds the same, and its all terribly boring and cliche. No es bueno.  

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      As if we’ve never read this comment before. Great job, you’re stellar! 

      • Laurel

        No but its ok, he added some Spanish at the end so now its more interesting

      • Ugh

        Yup. And people like you are the reason it isn’t changing. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        “No es bueno.” Guess you’re better than the rest of us.

  • evrgrnjaye

    beautiful post!

  • Sophia

    This is just perfect. I love that it doesn’t have any real structure. I love that it’s just raw contemplation on love, and that it rings so true.

  • Guest

    perfectly said…i love it!

  • Veridical

    “The way you challenged me was so rare and rewarding that I’m afraid I’ll spend my future looking for someone who is half the person you are.” 

    Only one person has been able to shake me. Those words hit close to home. This is a wonderful article – I couldn’t describe the way I feel any better. 

  • http://twitter.com/dangergirlOOO Jerri

    I liked it, made me feel better about feeling the same way about someone.

  • womp

    like alanis morissette’s unsent?

  • Martin

    Even after two years, this resonates.  Thank you.

    “If we met for the first time today, I would do everything differently.” (as in if I only knew then what I know now).

    “The way you challenged me was so rare and rewarding that I’m afraid
    I’ll spend my future looking for someone who is half the person you are —
    and I’ll fail. The bar you’ve set is frighteningly high…”

    Yep…

    “I wasted (a) favorite song on you; I wish I’d never heard it until after we stopped knowing each other.” 

    Yes, hearing Joe Henry’s “I Will Write My Book” is bittersweet now, but it also reminds me that “our breakup doesn’t have the power to overshadow
    what were pretty moments between two people who began and ended as
    strangers.”

  • jx

    My first time commenting on an article. Pieces like this really hit home. They’re both heartwarming and heart-aching. Bittersweet. Sometimes just being able to connect with another being, even if it’s indirectly, or through such an article, is the most reassuring thing one get attain. Or at least I’ve found such to be reassuring. Thank you for sharing this. :-)

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