After four years of near-silence, Alanis Morissette has announced her eighth studio album, Havoc and Bright Lights. In a statement describing the inspiration, she calls Havoc “a snapshot of what I currently obsess about, care about, and what strikes me at 4 in the morning in my most introspective moments.” Which, cool and all, but there are a few things I’d personally like Alanis to revisit.
1. Dish on dating Dave Coulier, please.
I know it’s customary not to kiss and tell, but it’s been like… twenty years. Did you really go down on him in a theater? You can’t just dangle that juicy steak of a detail in front of us and expect that we’ll all forget about it and move on with our lives. WE’RE TALKING ABOUT UNCLE JOEY, HERE. Don’t be a tease.
2. The real definition of irony.
I don’t know if you have this problem in Canada, but there’s a rash of people here in America who believe that irony = affected and inauthentic. I know you’ve got a sordid history with the word; so setting the record straight would really kill two birds with one stone. Henry Watson Fowler has some interesting thoughts on irony, perhaps start there?
3. Get naked again.
Love that look for you.
4. Wait, you got married and had a baby?
I’m assuming I was on a year-long bender in 2010 because how else did I miss the fact that you’re wifed up now? By a rapper? And y’all had a baby? More on that, please.
5. Let’s get some gossip from the Degrassi: The Next Generation set.
You’re probably bound by some Canuck Code of Silence I don’t know about, but now that Jimmy “Wheelchair” Brooks is a big rap star and Manny “The Thong” Santos released her first EP mere weeks ago, this is a great opportunity to talk about what it was like to work on the set of the most important television show of our time. FEED ME, SEYMOUR.