Initially, the Stock Photography Model was both shocked and delighted when a photograph she took of her horse (Minka) appeared on her Tumblr dashboard — with 732 notes, no less — but her joy soon dissolved into a fit of rage when she realized another user (xoToni) had taken credit for the photo. “Now I get why serious photographers destroy their art with watermarks,” she foamed. “What in the sh-t is wrong with people?” Intent on having words, she clicked through to xoToni’s Tumblr but was too mortified to proceed after discovering that xoToni had taken credit for the Stock Photography Model’s entire Flickr account. She scrolled down, hitting Next Page, Next Page, Next Page until a spasm in her right pointer finger ended the manic clicking; the Stock Photography Model left to grimace at what she believed to be irrefutable evidence that the human race is irredeemable.
The split hadn’t been a stroll in the park by any account, but the Stock Photography Model is moving on, dealing, you know? Sure, Michael kept the apartment, and yeah, he did ask her to return the ring so that he could finance a last-minute ‘rejuvenating’ trip to Perth, but the Stock Photography Model is a strong woman, and she’s going to handle hers. Never mind that the Stock Photography Model’s father keeps insisting it’s extremely poor form to call off a three-year engagement over email and then ask for the ring back, that’s something only a boorish dolt like Michael would do according to her pop; but the Stock Photography Model knows it’s not like that. After all, Michael’s career has always been important to him, more important than her, even, and she’s confident that — wait. Hold the freakin’ phone. What is this? What is this Mobile Upload on Michael’s Facebook page? What is this picture of Michael and his strictly platonic friend Lisa? The one the Stock Photography Model had absolutely no reason to be suspicious of? Why is his tongue in her — well isn’t that cute? ISN’T THAT GODDAMN ADORABLE? THE STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY MODEL CAN BARELY CONTROL HOW ENTHUSIASTIC SHE IS ABOUT THIS COUPLING. SHE CAN HARDLY CONTAIN HERSELF… CUTE! ADORABLE! FAN-F-CKIN-TASTIC!
It’s not like the Stock Photography Model is a prude or anything. Hell, he got his first blowjob in the fifth grade. He’s had his entire hand — five fingers and a palm — inside of a vagina. He is fluent in the rusty trombone. He’s no prude. It’s just that… well, his girlfriend said she’d never let him videotape them in bed, and that’s fair enough — he was okay with that — but this girl on RedTube bears a striking resemblance to his girlfriend; it seems impossible that it could be anyone else, unless his girlfriend has a twin he doesn’t know about, which is unlikely given that they’ve been together for a year and nine months now and… well, the Stock Photography Model knows he’s a little stoned and he could be mistaken but he’s pretty sure he’s not so…?
The Stock Photography Modeling business is competitive, sure, but the Stock Photography Model never realized how vicious her peers were until she accidentally stumbled on a community-based gossip blog dedicated to discrediting her career. “She’s a total casting couch whore,” the Beautiful Brunette in Swimming Pool wrote on 4/11/12. “Her boobs aren’t real, and frankly, I have questions regarding the authenticity of her nose,” the Sad Red-Head with Cat replied on 4/12/12. “That bitch…” the Stock Photography Model said aloud. “I specifically asked for her on the Best Friends at a Wedding shoot, and this is how she repays me?” The Stock Photography Model commented, “This is so sad. U R all jealous.”
Twenty minutes had gone by, and the Stock Photography Model still hadn’t responded to his ex-girlfriend’s GChat request for drinks. He’d been waiting months for her to return to him, to remember how generous he was in bed and other places, to dump the financial planning douchebag she shacked up with nanoseconds after breaking his heart. Now the moment had arrived and he couldn’t for the life of him get his mouse to click into the blinking chat window. “What the hell is happening? Why is this happening?” Then it hit him: the beer he’d spilled on his keyboard last night. “I guess you’re still mad?” she says. “I know it’s selfish that I want to see you, I swear I have zero expectations,” she says. “…Babe?” she says. “Okay, I won’t bother you again.” “My keyboard is malfunctioning. I AM MALFUNCTIONING,” he screams. Her status icon goes grey; the Stock Photography Model goes grey. “Rich,” the Stock Photography Model mutters. “Freakin’ rich.”