7 Status Updates That Indicate You Have No Business Using Social Media

1. The “I’m at _____” Foursquare via Twitter Announcement

Either add a tweet of substance to accompany your whereabouts or use the minimal finger dexterity it takes to not send your check-ins to Twitter. People tweet their locations for three reasons: a) to show off because they’re somewhere super chic, b) because they’re passive aggressively trying to summons an ex or an otherwise desirable candidate for a ‘casual’ run-in or c) they don’t realize their followers aren’t along for the ride because frequent trips to Exxon Mobil are thrilling and noteworthy occasions. If people wanted to know where you were all the time, they would be your FourSquare friend.

2. Tweets that are Actually Seven-Part Blog Posts

I love your 1,000-word reverse chronology rant about the education system in America! It’s just like reading Aeneid! No but really, I know it’s very 2003 but get a goddamn blog. Might I suggest Tumblr?

3. The “#Hashtag #Like #It’s #Hot” Update

Wait, #why #are #you #hashtagging #every #word? What years-late trend piece did you read before joining Twitter? You read the New York Times, didn’t you? This is the Times‘ fault.

4. The Hashtag on Facebook Update

Speaking of hashtags… you know they don’t serve a purpose on Facebook, right? You know that like, you can’t search Facebook for keywords and that a hashtag with no hyperlink is more or less a useless eyesore, correct? Okay. Just checking.

5. The “I just received Klout in _____” Tweet

So I joined Klout way back when for the free Spotify account like the rest of y’all, but turn those auto-tweets announcing your Klout score and notifications off. You don’t want people knowing that you’re up on that Klout tip. It’s like Fight Club. You don’t talk about it. The only thing I want Klout in is pretending Klout doesn’t exist.

6. The Update that Tags Innocent Parties

Oh snap, did I totally forget about posing for this promo flyer for your club night? Is that me in the leather chaps bending over to be spanked by a woman wearing nipple tassels? No? Then what the hell are you tagging me for? I’m not clear on that. I wasn’t with you at Virginia Beach, I didn’t design your album’s cover art, and last time I checked, I’m not your 4-month-old baby. Can’t you create an easily ignorable event invitation like a normal person?

7. Anything Mentioning Nutella

Is there a shortage on quirky foods to namedrop? Can we move on to quiche lollipops or something? Nominating quiche lollipops. TC mark



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  • Nishant

    “Ha ha ha! This article is so true and so funny! I really li – wait, what the heck?!”

    ^^ That’s when I read about the nutella. -.-

  • Anonymous

    Genius! I actually know loads of people on my facebook/twitter feed who SHOULD read this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/becca.lemire Becca Lemire

    All great tips! People (especially business’s) who automatically post tweets to Facebook are lazy and foolish! it looks like shit 

    • http://twitter.com/Ms_Blaque_Asia Brandi

      And its an eye sore cz it clogs up the homepage since they tweet every 5 seconds. ugh.

  • Guest

    The hostility toward hashtags on Facebook is silly (as is the hostility toward hostility toward hashtags on Facebook so I get the irony). Linked or not, it points the reader to what the key elements of a particular status update or the subject of a post. I’m not sure really what’s wrong with it.

    • Nishant

      Agreed. Hashtags are changing identity now. As ‘guest’ says, they’re about pointing key elements or indicating the context. But over-hashtagging should be punishable by “Unsubscribe”, yes!

      • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

        I like that you called it ‘guest.’

      • Brandon

        I liked how you called it ‘it’

    • who cares

      “Linked or not, it points the reader to what the key elements of a particular status update or the subject of a post.”

      If a reader can’t grasp the key elements of status updates on Facebook without a hashtag specification, that reader should probably study up on 4th grade reading comprehension.

      Hashtags on Facebook are stupid.  El fin.

  • GUEST

    Other people enjoy using social media in a way that I do not like! How dare they!

    I am going to post a poorly written, thinly veiled blog post to ThoughtCatalog to capture my lack of understanding of other people and their differences!

    Social media is not for being social!

    • Caro

      So many exclamation points! Oh my!

      Calm down. This  post was written (I believe) lightheartedly, merely poking fun. 

  • WakaflockaDavid

    It’s “Exxon Mobile”.

    • Big Oil, Inc.

      No, it’s not.

  • http://thestrangerblog.com/ Michelle (The Stranger)

    Should I share this on twitter at the expense of offending (and losing) 90% of my followers?

  • Bass

    #quiche #lollipops #FTW !

  • http://twitter.com/timdonnelly Tim Donnelly

    +1 billionnnnnnnnnn

  • Alicia

    I can’t say I’ve noticed the Nutella thing, haha. But now I want to eat some…. and not tweet about it.

  • Guest

    Guilty as charged for Nutella updates… #shoot – in Chicago, IL.

  • Erik

    GRR WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE USING HASHTAGS ON FACEBOOK I DON’T GET IT #mostlytomakejokes #growasenseofhumor

  • Anonymous

    times’s not times’ (I know that some style guides allow this, but it looks terrible.)

    • Josh Gondelman

      I thought the content of this article was really funny to the point that it overwhelmed the fact that you might disagree with the web site’s choice of style guide, but to each his own!

      • Josh Gondelman

        Or her own!

    • http://twitter.com/mrwildflowers Jesse S.

      Purely subjective. I think Times’s looks terrible (Strunk & White, however, agree with you).

  • http://twoseconds.tumblr.com/ Jesse Vaughan

    #lol joke comments

  • guest

    what the hell is klout #iamuberlateoninternettimesucks ???

  • Aruroa

    Excuse you, Nutella tweets are always appropriate.

    • LP

      Nutella is the food of the Gods. 

  • guest

    I don’t give a F.. honey! Why do you? Let people do what they want. This is the reason i am not social network. Why are you? You give soo much of a F!!! 

    • Asdf

      #F #U

  • Amanda

    1. Same goes for Instagram. I’m all about the vintage filters, and I’ll share the noteworthy ones on Facebook, but for the most part you should just stick to your Instagram crew. They’ll appreciate your iPhone skillz more anyway.

    7. #Nutella is always worth mentioning.

  • Asdf

    Agreed with everything. 
     
    Though I will say that 4. can come across using Twitter’s official cross-posting FB app. It’s also used by third-party cross-posting apps to allow you to pick and choose which Twitter posts go to FB by way of a special hashtag.

  • http://twitter.com/laurajaynemart laura jayne martin

    I loved this, especially the part about Nutella. Nutella is the “semester abroad” of spreads, soon to be replaced by the “backpacking around Europe” of cookies, Speculoos.

    • El

      As a Nutella-hater, I was with you until the last word. (Maybe we have to go back to calling them Delta cookies.)

      Also, there is a Speculoos spread. Discuss.
       

      • Anonymous

        Speculoos spread is not as good as putting actual speculaas cookies on your sandwich (and no, I’m not kidding :P)

  • Kelly Burgess

    I’m thirsty.

  • http://artfeedsmia.blogspot.com/ mia nguyen

    I’m going to offend everyone if I share it anywhere else.

  • http://twitter.com/smellslikeliah Liah

    The nutella one. Thank you vurry much. #I #so #totally #appreciated #that

  • guest

    Mobil? ExxonMobil?

  • http://theopenend.com/ herocious

    If you got a free pair of spotify sunglasses, think about painting over them and writing your brand name on them instead.

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