1. The “I’m at _____” Foursquare via Twitter Announcement
Either add a tweet of substance to accompany your whereabouts or use the minimal finger dexterity it takes to not send your check-ins to Twitter. People tweet their locations for three reasons: a) to show off because they’re somewhere super chic, b) because they’re passive aggressively trying to summons an ex or an otherwise desirable candidate for a ‘casual’ run-in or c) they don’t realize their followers aren’t along for the ride because frequent trips to Exxon Mobil are thrilling and noteworthy occasions. If people wanted to know where you were all the time, they would be your FourSquare friend.
2. Tweets that are Actually Seven-Part Blog Posts
I love your 1,000-word reverse chronology rant about the education system in America! It’s just like reading Aeneid! No but really, I know it’s very 2003 but get a goddamn blog. Might I suggest Tumblr?
3. The “#Hashtag #Like #It’s #Hot” Update
Wait, #why #are #you #hashtagging #every #word? What years-late trend piece did you read before joining Twitter? You read the New York Times, didn’t you? This is the Times‘ fault.
4. The Hashtag on Facebook Update
Speaking of hashtags… you know they don’t serve a purpose on Facebook, right? You know that like, you can’t search Facebook for keywords and that a hashtag with no hyperlink is more or less a useless eyesore, correct? Okay. Just checking.
5. The “I just received Klout in _____” Tweet
So I joined Klout way back when for the free Spotify account like the rest of y’all, but turn those auto-tweets announcing your Klout score and notifications off. You don’t want people knowing that you’re up on that Klout tip. It’s like Fight Club. You don’t talk about it. The only thing I want Klout in is pretending Klout doesn’t exist.
6. The Update that Tags Innocent Parties
Oh snap, did I totally forget about posing for this promo flyer for your club night? Is that me in the leather chaps bending over to be spanked by a woman wearing nipple tassels? No? Then what the hell are you tagging me for? I’m not clear on that. I wasn’t with you at Virginia Beach, I didn’t design your album’s cover art, and last time I checked, I’m not your 4-month-old baby. Can’t you create an easily ignorable event invitation like a normal person?
7. Anything Mentioning Nutella
Is there a shortage on quirky foods to namedrop? Can we move on to quiche lollipops or something? Nominating quiche lollipops.