1. Our Closets
If you’re one of those people who can stand in front of a full closet for hours whining about how you have nothing to wear, there’s a problem — and it may not be that you’re delusional. You might actually have nothing to wear: half of your clothes belong to another season and the other half is fit for like, a job interview at Hooter’s or eloping with an Egyptian prince or you, twenty pounds ago. I know it’s hard to give up ill-fitting investment pieces or items that have emotional value, but it’s time to part with the horsey Jeffrey Campbells that make you walk like you’re blind Mr. Ed on meth. Bite the bullet and haul ass to the consignment shop, where you will receive money with which to buy clothes you can actually leave the house in. Hooray!
2. Our Ex Museums
You know that box of crap you have sitting in your closet reserved for broken trinkets and handwritten letters from the person you dated like, seven years ago? Sentimentality has a shelf life, babe, and those goods are rotten. I know it’s tempting to keep your faded ticket stubs and dried flowers because what if no one ever loves you again, amiright? But it’s time to let go. Just hold on to the valuables, like jewelry and meaningful condom wrappers. Kidding. Or am I?
3. Our Cell Phone Contacts
Our own Gaby Dunn cleansed her cell phone of all its useless, counterproductive, WTF numbers, and it’s a spring-cleaning move we should all be so bold to take. Aren’t you tired of phoning your nightmarish ex-roommate Monica instead of your mom? Of scrolling by that one guy who slept with you, stole your copy of Infinite Jest, and never called again? Of wondering who the hell Tom K. is? No one needs to be reminded of their bad decisions and blackouts every time they order a pizza. Do yourself a favor and scrub that shizz.
Instead of crying about new moms and illiterates and conservatives clogging up your News Feed, a suggestion: defriend people you don’t like? What are you doing with these people anyway, collecting them for harvest? If you’re worried about maintaining a respectable number of friends, allow me to ease your mind: no one cares about how many Facebook friends you have. There was a time when people were maybe impressed by your number of ‘friends,’ and that time was 2004. Not one person worth knowing believes that the number of Facebook friends you have indicates something positive about you, no one even knows where to find your number of friends probably, probably no one even looks at your profile anymore because at this point we’re all just logging in to broadcast the things we think make us look desirable and to mindlessly click through our tagged photos while ruminating on how young/ thin/ happy we used to be. So yeah, delete away.
5. Our Livers
Everyone understands the appeal of getting shredded and spending enough cash at Chipotle to send the manager to college, but there are benefits to sobriety, too! Having time to read all those books you’ve lied about reading, feeling human in the morning, knowing how you got home and where your wallet is, and not waking up next to a graveyard of empty McDonald’s wrappers are all perks you can look forward to. You don’t have to go on an indefinite hiatus, just take a breather once in a while, will you? Your bank account/ waistline/ drunk-dial victims will thank you.