1. Quit whispering.
Have something you need to get off your chest? Dying to comment on how fine I look today? Well, speak the hell up then. Go ahead. Don’t be meek. You’ve already taken it upon yourself to vocalize your thoughts on my appearance, so go on Miss J. Say it loud and say it proud; I don’t want to be the only one who knows what a scumbag you are.
2. Don’t call me shorty. I’m taller than you.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been totally bewildered by a phantom “shorty” cry. “What? Where did that come from? Did someone sneeze?” And then lo-and-behold, there’s some 4’9″ dude calling me ‘shorty’ like we’re on that level. And by level, I mean eye level. I know it’s a term of endearment, but I’m not a ‘shorty,’ and I’m definitely not your shorty. I’m like, 5’10” in a responsible heel, and tall enough to effortlessly knee you in the balls. Fall back.
3. Don’t tell me to smile.
Stoked on your concern for my happiness, but if you really wanted me to smile you’d cat-call me and then immediately get hit by a bus. An envelope of cash will suffice, too; please silently hand me an envelope of cash in exchange for a smile. You have to work for it, you know? Even something simple as tripping over your own feet is grin-worthy. Tripping over your own feet will ensure that I smile for at least five minutes.
4. Think about your end goal.
Let’s talk about your hopes and aspirations for a minute. Do you want to land a young, savvy wife with minimal cooking skills and a smile that you haven’t seen yet but are sure is quite lovely? My suggestion would be to quit standing on the corner hollering at every vagina that walks by. Is your goal to be crass and embarrassing, to bring shame to every self-respecting man burdened with the dishonor of knowing you, and to be a total dick to a stranger because you have no self-control? Oh. Cat-call away, then.
5. Actually, just don’t do it.
Believe it or not, most human beings have this thing called an inner monologue. An inner monologue prevents every mundane, offensive, inappropriate thought that crosses one’s mind from being articulated. It becomes especially helpful when you’re attempting to be a civilized person who respects other civilized people. Try it sometime.