1. Dave Matthews Band. We loved DMB so much, we gave them an acronym. That’s not a fleeting sort of love, kids. So what happened? It was just a decade ago that a DMB tour t-shirt was a badge of honor, that we gushed over the infamous rained-out Giants Stadium show (June 13th, 2001. Were you there? You were definitely there. Even if you lived in Japan. Even if you weren’t born yet. Everyone was there — if not physically, then by osmosis.) But now? “Two Step” shuffles onto your iPod during a party and everyone looks at you like you’re karaoking the Mein Kampf audiobook. I know it’s totally uncool to listen to jam bands past your 17th birthday or once the lease on your Jeep Wrangler expires — whichever comes first — but “Crush” is still a really sexy song. And how can you deny that the intro to “Ants Marching” makes your day a smidgen brighter every time you hear it? I’m glad we’ve moved past patchouli and patch pants, but can we lay off ensemble bands who pretty much reinvented feeling things and saxophones? Thanks.
2. Uggs. Every winter since their public fall from grace, I’ve grappled with my personal desire to wear Uggs in a decidedly anti-Ugg societal climate. Look, guys — I know they’re ugly. I acknowledge that. But looks aren’t everything! Haven’t y’all had a shame crush before? Don’t you know what’s on the outside isn’t as important as what’s on the inside? And what’s on the inside is warm, sexually-arousing fleece? I just want to feel like my feet are making love to a freshly pressed burrito without being shamed for it. This is America, after all.
3. Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl is as dead as The OC post-Marissa Cooper, and I blame The Bachelor. Ever since this season of the goddamn Bachelor started up, Gossip Girl’s viewership completely jumped ship and left me to play the role of Last Woman
Standing Sitting on the Couch Salivating Over Ed Westwick. Even Gossip Girl doesn’t show up for its own time slot anymore: it airs for five consecutive weeks and then disappears for two months. It’s like a pre-menopausal period, and you know what that means. It means the end is near. So now that The Bachelor has wrapped, can you guys come back to the CW? Gossip Girl is like Tinker Bell — if we don’t tune in, it’ll die forever. Don’t allow Ben Flajnik to ruin another young woman’s life.
4. Billy Joel. Billy Joel is one of those things that’s acceptable — cool, even — in college, but loses its cache once you’re out in the real world. Like theme parties. Or binge drinking. Don’t ask me why. People don’t outwardly hate on BJ, but no one wants to listen to Glass Houses at a party. Except for me.
5. Signing an e-mail with “Cheers.” “Cheers” was popular when I was a Recent College Grad, but apparently now it’s a douchey send-off and I’m not supposed to use it anymore? Admittedly, only one person told me I should cool it with ‘Cheers,’ but I’ve since noticed that maybe .02% of the people I email with sign off this way, which leads me to believe that the person who warned me was correct: ‘Cheers’ is a salutation for dolts, one I shouldn’t be using in correspondence if I want to be, like, a legitimate person. Since this revelation that ‘Cheers’ is not okay and that I, by extension, am not okay, I’ve become unsure of how to complete an email but also unsure of my place in this fickle world, a world where we listen to Under the Table and Dreaming at an impossibly low volume and only through headphones, where unfashionable boots are the subject of child molester-levels of scorn; a world where Josh Schwartz just can’t seem to get it right and the Piano Man is just a piano man; a world that I’m not quite sure I have a place in. Cheers?