The Invisible Man — The Invisible Man is dating someone who lives alone or has a job that requires a lot of travel. You’re pretty sure his name begins with the letter “J,” but it could also be “Andrew,” because occasionally mail will come for a guy named “Andrew.” The mail sits unmoved at the foot of the steps for months at a time. You tried to enter his room once to figure out if you were actually sharing an apartment with another living person, but the door was locked.
The Kleptomaniac — The Kleptomaniac steals any and everything from you, even items that have zero monetary value. A framed photograph of you and your grandfather or a towel is as likely to go missing as a discontinued Louis Vuitton handbag. The Kleptomaniac wears your dead mother’s engraved engagement ring around the house and, when confronted about it, fires back: “Your mom’s name is Estelle Francis Mirouette, too? So weird, that’s my aunt’s name! Maybe we’re related. Sorry you lost your ring, though.”
The Best Friend — You can wordlessly bring a bottle of wine and LOST Seasons 1-6 into The Best Friend’s bed at 10 AM on a Saturday, and the only question asked is if there’s enough cheese in the fridge to make several servings of DIY nachos.
The Impressive Mess — The Impressive Mess has a respectable job and a burgeoning addiction to pretty much every substance and vice known to man. They hold it together in the public eye, but since you have a front row seat to their E! True Hollywood Story you’re aware that their private life is essentially a montage of wanton drug use and casual sex with married strangers. Also, pregnancy scares. So many pregnancy scares. The Impressive Mess will go straight to work after snorting lines in the living room all night and somehow come home with a promotion. Half of you is jealous of how chic their instability is, but the other half knows that their diet consists of only kale and cigarettes and this somehow makes you feel better.
The Nightmare — The Nightmare spends six hours in the bathroom every morning, eats all of your leftovers, screams at their mom on the phone, scares your friends, let the cat run away that one time, leaves passive aggressive notes on the refrigerator, gave a drug dealer the key to your apartment for when he needs a place to crash, sobs at an obscene volume, lies about paying the rent, and had sex with your brother when he came to visit.
The Live-in Girlfriend/Boyfriend — This is the roommate you share everything with: groceries, toilet paper, fluids. The Live-in Girlfriend/Boyfriend is usually a blend of other roommate archetypes, typically a combination of the Best Friend and the Nightmare. Live-in Girlfriend/Boyfriend roommates are at risk of becoming “Excessive Sweatpants And One-Too-Many Nights Ordering In Mexican Food From Don Pancho’s Transformed Us From People Who Used To Have Sex Into Roommates” roommates. A month-to-month lease is advisable.
The Compulsive Liar — The Compulsive Liar has a mother who lives in Boise, a mother who lives in New Delhi, and a mother who lives in San Francisco. He had sex with a Victoria’s Secret model last week whose “name he forgets,” and no, he didn’t use your toothbrush this morning, why would he do something like that? His childhood pet had the same name as your childhood pet and he wasn’t home last night because his high school girlfriend (who’s engaged now, did he mention that?) called him up and had to sleep with him one last time before getting hitched. He was born on the English countryside, except for that one time he was born in Texas. Oh, and he definitely walked your dog like you asked him to. Definitely.
The Couple — The Couple will take the biggest bedroom, and the mathematical equation they use to justify the seemingly unfair rent split confuses you into submission. You will never win a home-related argument that the Couple has not allowed you to win. Always remember that.
The Cardigan — The Cardigan is… nice, albeit not always necessary. Like sometimes you’ll pass them on your way to the bathroom and stop to have a polite conversation, but if you’re in the middle of watching a particularly riveting rerun of Saved by the Bell you can abstain from acknowledging them without feeling too badly about it.