Rude Responses To Annoying Questions

Are you eating that?

If you mean, “Am I eating that?” as in am I eating that, am I seriously eating that, as in you’re outwardly voicing strong disapproval for my order, the answer is unless I’m S’ing your D on a regular basis, don’t worry about what’s going in and out of my mouth.

And if you’re asking, “Am I eating that?” as in ‘the rest of that,’ I have to wonder if you’re inquiring because you think I’ve had enough already, or because I’m eating too slowly for your liking, or because you want what’s left of my dish. The truth is, I was considering it, finishing my food. I was considering it and I was leaning toward ‘no’ until you asked. Now I’m unsure if you think I’m a heifer, if you think I’m digesting my food at an offensively sluggish rate, or if you’re trying to finish the dinner that I’m paying for — and the mere suggestion of the first two has made me both lose my appetite and desire nothing more than to deny you my scraps. I’m just going to sit here and push my food around my plate until the check comes. Happy?

Are you tired? You look tired.

I’m beat. Exhausted. Spent. Drained. Pooped. I’m tired, dog-tired, of cutting my night short to ensure that I get ten hours of uninterrupted sleep, waking up on time, fixing myself a decent breakfast, commuting to work and arriving fifteen minutes early only to be asked if I’m tired because I decided maybe I didn’t want to apply my makeup with a torch gun this morning. Soooooo tired.

Those pants don’t fit you? I thought you were joking about being a Size ____.

I know! It’s tottalllllyyyy hilarious that these pants don’t fit me after I told you the actual size I needed and you thought I was just being modest! I mean, is there anything funnier than these jeans getting stuck around my deceptively robust thighs? You should come into my dressing room and check it out; it’s a real gas! Tell you what: after that, I’ll try on that two-sizes-too-small dress you insisted I bring in here and we can play the “Who can get the zipper highest without dismantling the garment beyond repair” game. Sounds like my kind of afternoon! No but seriously, make your skinny ass useful and whatever size it is you think I am, add three and find me something that actually fits so I can leave this dressing room without leaving cotton carnage in my wake.

Didn’t you have longer hair when you were younger? You should do that again.

Indeed, I did. Other aesthetic changes that have occurred over my lifetime:

  • My teeth have grown in number and size
  • I no longer weigh 98 pounds, like I did in 5th grade
  • I’ve typically ditched diapers as part of my sartorial repertoire
  • I grow hair in places other than my head
  • Breasts consist of more than just nipple

Why don’t you have a boyfriend?

Well, it’s a funny story! OH WAIT, NO IT ISN’T. TC mark

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