Rude Responses To Annoying Questions

Are you eating that?

If you mean, “Am I eating that?” as in am I eating that, am I seriously eating that, as in you’re outwardly voicing strong disapproval for my order, the answer is unless I’m S’ing your D on a regular basis, don’t worry about what’s going in and out of my mouth.

And if you’re asking, “Am I eating that?” as in ‘the rest of that,’ I have to wonder if you’re inquiring because you think I’ve had enough already, or because I’m eating too slowly for your liking, or because you want what’s left of my dish. The truth is, I was considering it, finishing my food. I was considering it and I was leaning toward ‘no’ until you asked. Now I’m unsure if you think I’m a heifer, if you think I’m digesting my food at an offensively sluggish rate, or if you’re trying to finish the dinner that I’m paying for — and the mere suggestion of the first two has made me both lose my appetite and desire nothing more than to deny you my scraps. I’m just going to sit here and push my food around my plate until the check comes. Happy?

Are you tired? You look tired.

I’m beat. Exhausted. Spent. Drained. Pooped. I’m tired, dog-tired, of cutting my night short to ensure that I get ten hours of uninterrupted sleep, waking up on time, fixing myself a decent breakfast, commuting to work and arriving fifteen minutes early only to be asked if I’m tired because I decided maybe I didn’t want to apply my makeup with a torch gun this morning. Soooooo tired.

Those pants don’t fit you? I thought you were joking about being a Size ____.

I know! It’s tottalllllyyyy hilarious that these pants don’t fit me after I told you the actual size I needed and you thought I was just being modest! I mean, is there anything funnier than these jeans getting stuck around my deceptively robust thighs? You should come into my dressing room and check it out; it’s a real gas! Tell you what: after that, I’ll try on that two-sizes-too-small dress you insisted I bring in here and we can play the “Who can get the zipper highest without dismantling the garment beyond repair” game. Sounds like my kind of afternoon! No but seriously, make your skinny ass useful and whatever size it is you think I am, add three and find me something that actually fits so I can leave this dressing room without leaving cotton carnage in my wake.

Didn’t you have longer hair when you were younger? You should do that again.

Indeed, I did. Other aesthetic changes that have occurred over my lifetime:

  • My teeth have grown in number and size
  • I no longer weigh 98 pounds, like I did in 5th grade
  • I’ve typically ditched diapers as part of my sartorial repertoire
  • I grow hair in places other than my head
  • Breasts consist of more than just nipple

Why don’t you have a boyfriend?

Well, it’s a funny story! OH WAIT, NO IT ISN’T. TC mark

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  • Jamie ❤ 。◕

    needs more annoying questions… like : Is that seat taken? THERE IS A JACKET HERE OF COURSE ITS TAKEN, LEAVE ME ALONE” 
    or when i have my headphones on and someone asks me a question that could have been answered if they just LOOKED AROUND ARGH 

  • anon

    Get over it.

  • Meera Shah

    i dont really have any positive input other than: LOLLLLLLLL

  • waterwater

    hahahhaha people are so fucking annoying!!!!!!!!!!!

  • FrostBiteMe


  • Shawn

    “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?
    Well, it’s a funny story! OH WAIT, NO IT ISN’T.”
    THANK YOU. I’ve never been able to verbalize this exact sentiment. 

    • Jordana Bevan


  • Vicky Rose

    My favourite one is, “Do you work here?”, usually asked while I’m cleaning shelves or tidying shoes at work and clearly wearing my work name badge.  “No, I don’t work here.  I just have a very specific kind of OCD where I feel the need to tidy up after customers.”  Ergh.

  • Siafa Alvin

    So basically, when you run across the author in these situations, do/say the following:

    1. Say nothing – just take the food off of her plate.

    2. “You look terrible.” (aka what they’re thinking when they say “you look tired”)

    3. [Ignoring this one, because that honestly sounds like an isolated incident. Unless you’re trying to say that salespeople are more presumptuous in NYC…?]

    4. Either say nothing, or say “You look great!” (Does not matter if true or not.)

    5. [Also ignoring this one; you should man up and tell your mom/grandma/annoying aunt to stop asking you that. But you won’t, because you can’t sass your family.]

    • Anonymous

      Well, you can sass them, but you’ll start getting shit birthday gifts.

  • Steve_the_cat


  • Paul S

    I like you – you have one of the two traits I look for in a woman, which happen to be how I like my coffee as well;  bitter and filled with my semen.

    • Feminist

      you are absolutely horrific 

    • Siafa Alvin

      So many things going on with this comment…I can’t help but think that you like semen in your coffee, and prefer unprotected sex with angry, ugly women (“attractive” wasn’t one of the traits you look for, so..).

  • mclyrz

    bahahaha…loved this article. 

  • Sophia

    AMEN TO ALL OF THESE. If I were a naturally wittier person, I’d probably actually say these.

    • Natasha Reeves

      Haha, me too! Nothing satisfies me more than a well-delivered does of sarcasm, but I can NEVER pull it off. Slow moving brain I suppose. In response to any of these questions, my response would be in the form of a quizzical stare most likely. Too bad. 

  • a fan

    Great article. 

  • E.B.

    ahahahaha, oh my god. i love the last one :)

  • L Lecain

    You can’t fix stupid.

  • Bailey

    This is so awesome.

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