Fictional TV Bands I Wish Were Real

You’re all real in my heart.

Hot Sundae, as seen on Saved by the Bell

Hot Sundae rose to fame during a particularly memorable SBTB episode. You know it, you love it, you reference it 934890385983 times come Midterms Week — I’m referring, of course, to the infamous Jessie Spano Caffeine Scare of 1990. So often, that admittedly awesome sound bite overshadows Hot Sundae: prolific girl group responsible for paving the way for acts like SWV, All Saints, and the Spice Girls. I went through a three-year Pointer Sisters phase after that episode, THAT’S HOW EXCITED I WAS. Hot Sundae was all about Sex (those leotards!), Drugs (those pills!) and Rock ‘n’ Roll (those hairstyles!) Like all Hot Sundae fans, I prayed for a follow up to “Go For It!” But alas, it never came. Another dream deferred.

Jesse and the Rippers, as seen on Full House

A band with indisputable longevity (some might say they have a shelf life of FOREVER), the Rippers made a career out of performing in the Tanner’s living room and covering the Beach Boys. Also Manfred Mann that one time. Okay, so maybe the Rippers didn’t contribute much by way of originality, but it’s not all for naught – we did get a shirtless John Stamos crooning “Forever” in a steamy video that would rival Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” were it not for all the close-up baby shots. Just kidding. “Wicked Game” is the sexiest video ever, by a mile. So sexy. Let’s watch it.

Jem and the Holograms, as seen on Jem and the Holograms

The Holograms as a unit were pretty cool (Shana, anyone?) but Jem was everything. The hair. The earrings. The lingerie-as-streetwear. My favorite Jem Jam has to be “The Real Me,” because who can’t relate to that? The only thing I don’t understand is how The Misfits were supposed to be legitimate competition for the Holograms. They were goddamn terrible. Pizzazz reminds me of Kim Cattrall in Mannequin, and that’s not a compliment.

California Dreams, as seen on California Dreams

Other than perpetuating the Black Guys Must Play the Drums stereotype, California Dreams was a kickass surf band. Swapping out members like Destiny’s Child didn’t deter them from playing one hell of a show (in that half-baked, Mickey Mouse Club dropout sort of way). Their most riveting performance, though, occurred on the Jimmy Fallon Show in 2010, when the cast members reunited to play the song they’re named after, “California Dreams.” It was glorious.

The Beets, as seen on Doug

The Beets had a really mature sound for a fictional cartoon band. Lets talk about their single, “Killer Tofu.” Could’ve been the lovechild of REM and the Police (or maybe Men Without Hats). But the most wonderful thing about The Beets was how they inspired Doug. It’s a special relationship one has with their favorite band. If you loved “Banging on a Trashcan” as much as I did, you have The Beets to thank for that.

Zack Attack, as seen on Saved by the Bell

We must not talk about Saved by the Bell’s contributions to fictional bands without mentioning Zack Attack and its corresponding episode, “Rockumentary.” Hosted by Casey Kasem, the episode features a Behind the Music dream sequence in which “the gang” and their band, Zack Attack, are at odds with Zack and his ego tripping. The friends quit Zack Attack and go off to do their own thing — Zack wears glitter and bangs his agent, Slater gets into motorcycle accidents, and Kelly plays a nun on TV (LOL Valerie Malone, that’s as close to god as you’re ever gonna get). Slater’s hospital stint makes Zack realize (both in the dream and IRL, upon waking up) that he’s a massive dick. At the end, the band reunites to sing “Friends Forever” because they are friends. Forever. Always, ‘til the end. Except Jessie, who’s not in that episode, and Kelly, who disappears for the entire last season and then reappears in time for graduation; also Screech, who wrote that god-awful tell-all book years after Mark Paul Gosselaar’s sex life became a non-issue. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER IS A MYTH, DIAMOND.

Mystik Spiral, as seen on Daria

Before the rise of “Tweemo Rock” (ala Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, etc.) girls were swooning over alt-rock bands like Mystik Spiral and guys like Trent Lane. Their tunes were rough around the edges, some of them laughably bad even, but what they lacked in talent they made up for in mystique. In one episode, Mystik Spiral is inexplicably booked to play cheerleader Brittany Taylor’s birthday party, possibly for no reason other than they’re hot (Brittany Taylor’s mom’s words, not mine) and they play a song called “Every Dog Has its Day,” the lyrics of which consist of dog symbolism and a series of barks and howls. Hawt.

2Ge+her, as seen on 2Ge+her

I know I’m not the only one who was stoked when 2Ge+her outlived their Made-for-MTV movie. Even as a bona fide *NSYNC fangirl (I cried at a concert, for chrissakes — a story for another time), the satire was too engaging to be ignored. And “U + Me = Us” is… kind of a good song? So is “The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff)”? Their reign ended in 2001 due to Michael Cuccione (“QT”)’s untimely death, but their legacy lives on forever. TC mark

image – Doug

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  • http://twitter.com/calalal Cal Russell-Thompson

    You forgot Andromeda. Fixing that for you:

  • the beets 4 lief

    the beets were best – no doubt about it. you’re spot on with doug’s relationship with them too. yes.

  • Allie

    She took my cap, I can’t find my cat…

  • Karina

    Killer Tofu was a legit killer song!

  • http://twitter.com/WillPatterson Will Patterson

    PMS, from Degrassi: The Next Generation.

    • Lala

      more like Zit Remedy from the REAL degrassi .. but i think they only had one song..
      everybody wants somethin they’ll never give up…

    • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      I’m so ashamed for leaving that out. Also, Downtown Sasquatch, Hell Hath No Fury, and the Studz

  • Kate

    Robin Sparkles on How I Met Your Mother

  • Sue Marie

    Protozoa from Zenon Girl of the 21st Century?

  • jerrica benton

    YESSSSS JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS.
    also that was the best episode of saved by the bell ever, the rockumentary. excellent. 

  • ADV

    I’m not really into metal, but Deathklok from Metalocalypse is a pretty amazing fictional TV band, too.

  • rgar

    Reading this was a delight. I know that I sound like I’m at a tea party or something like that but it’s seriously the only way that I can describe this article. Rock on, Georgopolus. Rock on.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Band of Brothers?

  • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

    I blame Trent Lane/Mystic Spiral for my affinity for irresponsible musicians.

  • Adapacaguy

    Downtown Sasquatch as seen on Degrassi: Next Generation!

  • lianne

    um.  excuse me.  that band that was on Arthur?  BINKY?  HELLO?

    • Reid

      I love you and Arthur.

  • Dom

    twitty stevens connection from even stevens!

  • Anonymous

    2GE+HER 4 LYF.

  • 2gether4ever

    i know my calculus. it says u+me=us.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    <3 u beets

  • April

    YES TO JEM. SO MUCH YES. 

  • Markb_86

    Am I the only one who thought The Misfits were badass? Jem is just so…whatever

    • Mary

      No, you’re not. Jem’s too…I don’t know, peppy? Haha, I thought The Misfits were way cooler.

  • MC

    This article made me want to know the name of Ted’s band from Scrubs. Googled it— they’re a real band. Dreams really do come true.

  • nina

    Not a band but Ronny Matthews from Hey Arnold!
    “I saw your face and wow! Right then I took a vow.”  I so wish he was real.

    • oneriver

      just you and me! THATS the meaning of eternity!

    • Anonymous

      Also not a band: Chip Skylark from Fairly Oddparents. Gotta love a dude that sings about oral hygiene.

  • Mashka

    excuse me 2gether is REAL 

  • Anonymous

    STEPH I literally just watched the Brittany’s birthday party episode yesterday WITH THE CRYSTAL BULLHORN what is this coincidence?!?!

  • http://twitter.com/snuggiebunnies Olivia Moore

    “I NEED MORE ALLOWANCE!!” The Beets are the best!!!

    Doug is on at like 1:30 AM every night..can’t remember which channel (like teen nick or something around there) but I DVR it every night. it’s still a great show.

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