Why You Shouldn’t Forget To Scrub Your Laptop Before Selling It

Or: “Voicemails Left For The Recent Purchaser Of A Used Laptop”

You’ve reached Jamie. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.

-BEEP-

Hey Jamie! It was so good to see you – let’s make it more of a thing. Anyway, call me back when you get this message. I was just talking to Mike and our conversation made me realize that I totally spaced on deleting a bunch of files off of the computer. Nothing too crazy… not that you’d ever judge me! It’s just… well, steer clear of opening Photobooth. And call me back! Talk soon.

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You’ve reached Jamie. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.

-BEEP-

Hey Jame. Look, I know you haven’t had a chance to return my call, but I wanted to ask that you not open “BukakeMassacre.doc.” It’s not a big deal, just a screenplay I’m working on. Sounds way more interesting than it is! Just so we’re clear, I’m asking you for what I like to call a Best Friend Favor — you know, like me selling you my laptop for way below market value because you really needed it. That’s what friends are for, right babe? Don’t read it. Oh, and say hi to Peter for me, it’s been too long.

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You’ve reached Jamie. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.

-BEEP-

Jameeeeeee. Jam Master Jame – remember when I used to call you that, amiga? Amiga mejor. That means, “best friend” in Spanish. That folder labeled “Koalas”? There are no koalas in there. I know you have a thing for marsupials, so I wanted to give you a head’s up — definitely no koalas in there.

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You’ve reached Jamie. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.

-BEEP-

There’s also this folder called “Bakongo Tribal Porn,” you probably shouldn’t open that one, either. In fact, you should just delete that one. Mark wrote his thesis on African mating rituals and… I mean, Mark, man! He’s a twisted freak, always has been, but I love him. Oh, and one last thing – should you happen to use Safari – not that you would, Safari is so five minutes ago – but should you use it, I bookmarked a couple of searches when I was doing research for that novel I’m writing. I think this goes without saying, but obviously I didn’t Google ‘extraterrestrial orgasm real?’ or ‘Lysol force-feed YouTube’ or ‘can you get high off of silica gel’ for the hell of it. I’m so grateful I can trust you with all of this, by the way. Talk about blackmail material! If you weren’t my Best Friend Forever doing me a Best Friend Favor, I’d be totally petrified right now! But that’s silly. I don’t have anything to worry about, right Jamie? Call me back. And seriously, don’t open the “Koalas” folder.

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You’ve reached Jamie. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.

-BEEP-

Jamie. I don’t know how I missed your call; I was literally on the edge of my seat waiting for you to return my messages. What do you mean, you changed your mind about the computer? I have no problem returning your money; it’s just that you seemed really stoked abo–oh. I get it. This is about the “Koalas” folder, right? If this is about the “Koalas” folder, I can explain. Call me back and I’ll explain. Jamie, while I have you – your voicemail – on the line, I should probably tell you, as your best friend, that you should avoid opening the “Kangaroos” folder. I’m doing you a serious Best Friend Favor right now. Do not open the “Kangaroos” folder. You’re going to have to trust me on this one, just like I’ve always trusted you. With everything. You’re my best friend, Jamie. …It was the “Koalas” folder, wasn’t it? Goddammit. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Surian Soosay

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