What That ‘Professional’ Email Actually Says

Hi _______________,

How are you? Hope you’re well.

Now you don’t have to answer that question. See what I did there?

I understand that you’re upset, but I’d be happy to explain the amount I invoiced you for. As discussed, the adjusted invoice I sent reflects the changes we made to my contract on Thursday, the 8th. You may recall that the number of revisions I’ve made with regard to this project exceeds the number accounted for in my quote. I’ve forwarded the email where you approved additional revisions (below) for your convenience.

We’ve gone over this already. Are you purposely daft, or are you actually this stupid? Oh, and yes, excuse me for charging you for work that I did. I don’t need to eat or anything. I’m not forwarding the original email for your convenience, I’m forwarding it to point out that by expelling a tiny amount of effort, you could’ve answered your own question. There’s this thing called a search bar, try it sometime.

I just want to reiterate that I will make as many revisions as is necessary to meet your vision. From time to time we’ll have creative differences, but as professionals we can work through them to find a solution everyone is pleased with.

I will make the changes and then I will charge you for them. By ‘creative differences,’ I mean, ‘you have no idea what you’re talking about, and that’s why you hired me.’ Pay my invoice and I’ll continue to kiss your ass.

I hope we’ll both look at this miscommunication as a learning experience that will enhance our partnership.

Stop emailing me dumb questions.

Circle back with any other questions you may have.

Don’t email me anymore.

Have a great weekend!

I’m not answering your emails until Monday, in case that wasn’t clear!

All the best,

Die in a fire,

Stephanie TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/jessistafford Jessi Stafford

    Brilliant. *Saving as template*

  • Case

    PERFECT! I have to send emails like this every week to pissed off customers who don’t bother to rub together two brain cells. This is amazing. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/anniehighleysmith Annie Highley-Smith

    Maybe I’ll hire you to write emails for me, then we’ll have ‘creative differences’ and have to duke it out over email, which you (of course) will write.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    One of many reasons I’m (rarely) pleased to have ended my time as an independent contractor.

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    I shared something like this with a friend recently.  My revisions were in red. 

  • Kbps

    I hate emailing at work. If I were to write them the way i want to… Y’know, proper English and punctuation, I sound like an asshole. If I don’t want to be offensively cold, I have to start it with “Hi”, which makes me- a 23 y.o. man- sound like a 7th grade girl, and end every other sentence with a fake and resounding “!”

    My words to you, sir boss, drip with hate and sarcasm you’ll never feel on this sterile screen. Thanks!!

    • Kennneth Gibson

      Proper English also involves capitalizing the personal pronoun “i”.

      • Customconcern

        ha ha ha

  • Ray

    THIS IS MY LIFE….

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/5bc

  • http://www.candicepayne.com Candice

    YES

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/5bc

  • kaylee

    “All the best,”
    (die in a fire)
    hahah isn’t that the truth

  • Rowena

    Thanks a lot for the post on What That ‘Professional’ Email Actually Says. This is very helpful for a newbie like me.

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