If My Online Dating Profile Told The Truth

I’ve had the same OkCupid profile for the past four years. I swap out the photographs occasionally and tweak the content every so often, just to keep it fresh, but for the most part it’s the same profile I’ve had since I joined the site in 2007. I, however, am not the same person. This is an exercise in self-preservation. If my profile were updated to reflect reality, it’d be safe to assume that my inbox action would be halved, if not completely nonexistent. Here’s what my profile would say, if I were keeping it really real.

My self-summary

I drink too much, too early. When I’m not drinking, I’m working, though oftentimes I do both simultaneously.

What I’m doing with my life

Acting out via self-destructive behavior despite knowing better.

I’m really good at

Isolating people. Making excuses. Pointing out what I’m bad at. Ignoring emails and text messages. Taking the subway. Going to bed at extreme times such as 8 PM and 6 AM. Making deviled eggs. Reading half of a book and then forgetting to finish it.

The first things people notice about me

Too busy looking at my iPhone to notice people noticing me; this is probably what people first notice about me, actually.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, food

This feels too vague; I think most of my interests are conditional and/or fleeting and lack the prestige the word “favorite” implies. That being said, “All For You” by Sister Hazel is my favorite song of all time.

The six things I could never do without

Probably just the internet and brunch, I recently had Monterey Jack cheese in a Bloody Mary and it seems like something I could never do without.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Work and money, if I will die before I pay back my student loans, when I’m going to start feeling ‘old,’ the ways my body will potentially fail and/or disappoint me, serial killers, what it would be like if I were a forensic psychologist, if I should just keep going to school until I die so that I never have to pay back my student loans, what kind of people debt collectors are, how homeless people became homeless, what I actually want vs. what I think I’m supposed to want vs. what I pretend to want.

On a typical Friday night I am

Nursing a hangover, watching recorded episodes of Degrassi, working.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I admitted that my favorite song is by Sister Hazel; I think that’s enough.

You should message me if

You’re okay with going out once and never hearing from me again. TC mark

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  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    enjoyed this

  • SharksAteMyNeighbors

    Are you and I the same person?

  • Miles

    wiener

    • Cathy

      nah

  • http://www.junketjuice.com junket juice

    Total and complete genius.  Truth at it’s very best and I love it!

  • gr

    YES

  • http://www.candicepayne.com Candice

    Please post this as an actual profile and inform us of the results. For science.

  • http://allirense.com Alli

    This may be more accurately about me than my actual profile.

  • http://distractionetc.blogspot.com Jennifer Schaffer

    Monterey Jack in a Bloody Mary?  How did I not know this existed?

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      Is it melty? Or sprinkled? Or a big piece of string cheese?!!! I must know!

  • OliverJazz

    Spot on. I was updating my own profile just a minute ago and thinking, how much people lie there. 
    If I would be honest, I would probably say that – being nearly 30 – I’ve lost most of my illusions, I am lonely, and somewhat ready to face reality as it is. So don’t be afraid to contact me, let’s soothe each other in the orphanage called life. 

  • Anonymous

    I enjoy you immensely. Can we be sisters hazel?

  • http://www.facebook.com/jessi.smith1 Jessi Smith

    I decided to be completely honest on my OkCupid profile. This is a direct copy/paste:

    I spend a lot of time thinking about
    -Whether my cat is pregnant, or if she’s just developed a natural
    “glow”.

    -What the trail of scattered evidence between my front door and my
    bed indicates as I piece together clues regarding exactly what
    happened last night.

    -Puppies.

    -Hoping my cat gives birth to puppies.

    -My recent obsession with finding the perfect fish taco.

    -My next witty status update on Facebook.

    No one ever fucking messages me. I don’t know whether to count this as a success or a failure.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    I’d message the fuck out of anyone with this as their profile.

  • Corrinmarq

    I feel SO MUCH BETTER knowing that I’m not the only one who “spends a lot of time thinking about” that stuff.

  • mashka

    all profiles should be like this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/thebradleyleininger Bradley Leininger

    You should put this up as satire. See if anyone catches on to the disillusionment about the whole dating-profile process. =P

  • Castle

    everything you wrote was everything I would write oh my gawd 

    thank you!

  • a.

    Replace:

    “taking the subway” with “sitting in LA traffic”
    “Going to bed at extreme times such as 8PM and 6AM” with “10PM and 3AM”
    “Bloody Mary’s” with “champagne”

    …and we’re basically the same person.

  • Tobias

    loved this, would probably date someone who wrote this over some cheesy lies

  • Anonymous

    Hi Stephanie,

    You should check to see if we’d messaged you or not. If so, why haven’t you called or written or sent smoke signals or written us a song?

     OK Stupid

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Honestly I bet your inbox would swell for at least a week or two as all the self-hating Brooklyn artist types would feel the need to show you how much they appreciated your honesty.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tanya-Grenville/615115467 Tanya Grenville

    I have a twin. aside from the devilled eggs. and that song. either way. 

  • LazyReader

    I seriously want to take this and see if it works.  I’m getting nowhere on that site.
    (and I SWEAR I’m NOT uggo!!!)

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