Bombing A Blind Date With Some Help From Britney Spears

Sorry I’m late. I asked mother, “Can you watch the Baby, One More Time?” and she forgot that she was supposed to do it and well… anyway. Lucky for me, the neighbor agreed to watch all 3 of the Boys.

I apologize, what an awkward way to Break The Ice! If I’ve made you uncomfortable in any way, Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know. I wouldn’t want you to Hold It Against Me. But like I was saying, I’ve got 3 Boys. The first one was a mistake, and with the second one I was like, “Oops! I Did It Again!” But the third one… the third one I’d been Anticipating.

They’re a handful. It’s hard, raising them all alone. Sometimes I want to tell them, From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart — “What do you think, I’m A Slave 4 U?  (You Drive Me) Crazy! You know what? You’re right. You’re always right. I Was Born To Make You Happy.” But instead, I take a pill and go to sleep; usually I cry a bit first, though. Those Boys make my life a Circus. I love ‘em but damn if their behavior isn’t Outrageous!

Children these days are Toxic, you know? They’re spoiled rotten. They get away with murder, these guys. Back in my day, I was Overprotected. I sure was on mother’s Radar. She wouldn’t let me do jack. I’d cry, “I’m Not A Girl–” “Not Yet A Woman,” mother would scream back.  Everytime, that was her response. I couldn’t sneeze without her permission back then. I finally broke her down, though. I begged her to extend my curfew one night so that I could go dancing—I was eighteen, after all. She told me if I wanted to go out dancing, it was My Prerogative. “Someday (I Will Understand),” she sighed.

I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll but I was dying to Do Somethin’ new so I hit a club with my friend Amy. Well — pretty soon, it was just Me Against The Music. “I Wanna Go ‘Til The World Ends!” I exclaimed wildly to no one in particular. Gimme More.

I was so high. Why, I walked right up to this pretty boy and said, “Hello there… how Unusual You seem,” but he looked a little spooked by my come-on. It was meant to be a compliment. Anyway. At this point, I noticed Amy was missing, so I found the guy she’d been talking to earlier. I asked where Amy was. “If U Seek Amy… you know?” He raised an eyebrow. But I didn’t know, so I asked him to clarify, and he said, “You know… If? U? Seek Amy?” but I still had no idea what this fool was talking about, so then he got angry. “C’mon moron. What does it sound like I’m saying?” So, in order to find Amy, I slept with him. He was gone in the morning and he took a Piece Of Me with him, the Womanizer. I still don’t know where Amy is.

What about you? Tell me about yourself. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Sam Lavi

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