20 Sartorial Choices That Immediately Render You Non-Threatening

  1. White denim
  2. Pocket watches
  3. Tortoiseshell eyeglasses
  4. Crocs
  5. Canadian Tuxedos
  6. Argyle socks
  7. Fedoras
  8. Gingham
  9. Vests of any kind
  10. Monocles
  11. Carpenter Jorts
  12. Suede elbow patches
  13. Murses (or Man-Purses)
  14. Birkenstock sandals
  15. Suspenders
  16. White gloves
  17. Pompom hats
  18. Turtlenecks
  19. Leggings with stirrups
  20. Plaid short-sleeve button down shirts TC mark


More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/lukebourassa Luke Bourassa

    carpenter jorts! HAHAHA!

  • Jordan

    Whatcha mean non-threatening?

  • Anonymous

    so, being a hipster.

  • http://twitter.com/SonofConway Josh C. Bramlett

    Those are actually all super creepy items that would immediately make me think that person is going to kidnap me, knock me out, and I’d awake as part of a human centipede.  Especially someone wearing a turtleneck with a monocle.  That’s some Mr. Peanut serial killer shit. 

    • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      I seriously LOLed. I need a Mr. Peanut Serial Killer .gif NOW.

    • steph


  • space mtn

    suspenders are scary if worn by skinheads

    • Guest

      ditto with Canadian tuxedos worn by any non-hipsters

  • Anonymous

    #20!!!!!!!! I died.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=24703745 Carleigh Anne Mahaffey

    So long as said suspenders aren’t part of a white on white on white ensemble topped off with a bowler.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=24703745 Carleigh Anne Mahaffey

    So long as said suspenders aren’t part of a white on white on white ensemble topped off with a bowler.

  • mashka

    hahahahaha pompom hats? omg.

    Vogue needs to do an issue highlighting all of these amazing pieces.

  • http://profiles.google.com/salier.diana.a Diana Salier

    ohman, i haven’t even thought about carpenter SHORTS since 1998, let alone carpenter jorts! what’s wrong with plaid short-sleeved shirtz?? 

  • Troutfishinginamerica421

    I like tortoiseshell eyeglasses and vests are neat. As a guy, there’s not a lot of options out there.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jess.hurst1 Jess Hurst

      Those are two of my favorite clothing items on a man AND your screen name is a reference to a Richard Brautigan book, therefore I must declare my unrequited love to you, oh scholarly stranger.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Forgive me for not knowing, but what’s the difference between regular and carpenter jorts?

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    i haven’t laughed this hard all day.

  • http://fazed-girl.blogspot.com Samantha

    But what if the turtleneck is… a tactileneck?

  • Atmnyc

    White denim can become aggressive if it is very dirty.

  • http://www.facebook.com/anniehighleysmith Annie Highley-Smith

    * 20 Sartorial Choices That Immediately Render You With The Inability To Get Laid.

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    I agree with every single one of these.

  • Anonymous

    #7 somewhere, a grimacing humphrey bogart is disagreeing with you

  • mysticlipstick

    While number 8 and 20 do somewhat encompass plaid, what about the flannel?! Flannels, the old school kind, not the one you bought for $60 at Pac Sun, render you entirely harmless, trusting, and good-natured.

  • preston

    Can we pleeeease post a photo of someone wearing all these things?

  • Its_marielle

    skinheads wear suspenders.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    ahhh i hate gingham! 

    but i liked the article!

  • http://ydek.tumblr.com joecastagna

    I’m quite happy to say that I have never nor do I now posses any of the things on this list ….. 

    …. It’s not a fucking Murse damit, It’s my adventure pack CHRIST have you ever seen Indian Jones?! But yea I got some Chapstick/Gum/Pens/Paper/lighters/Coupons.  

    • Guestropod


  • rose georgia

    i feel like someone in utterly pristine white gloves could be terrifying.

    actually, white gloves and white jeans – now there’s a combo.

    • rose georgia

      like the ‘dirrty’ man in black books. dusty cups.

  • sarah

    all the gansters in my neighborhood wear gingham. that, with the combination of the outline of a gun shaped object tucked under their gingham shirts and shaved heads with gingham scarves tied on them make them PRETTY DAMN THREATENING

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