Rejecting Invitations Honestly

Despite what ‘they’ say (whoever ‘they’ happens to be), honesty is not the best policy. At least, not all the time. I wish it were, though. I’d be totally down with everyone walking around being real if it allowed me to say things like, “How am I? Well, I was walking past Starbucks earlier and saw a trace of muffin top through my dress when I was vainly staring at my reflection. Feeling self-conscious and like I hate carbs. How are YOU?” That would be nice.

I wish people were more honest when turning down a request to hang out, if only for the comedic value. There is so much sugarcoating involved in turning down an invitation that we’re all going to be diabetic by the time we’re forty. Just imagine what it would be like if you always turned down invites with the realness.

_____

“Thanks for the invitation! I’ve had a really rough week at work though, and I’m exhausted. Truthfully, I’d probably man up if I thought you were going to sleep with me – but based on our previous interactions, I’m going to guess that you just want to bitch about your ex or your job and I truly can’t muster up the give-a-shit it takes to hang out with you. Maybe some other time, like when you’re drunk and horny.”

_____

“Sounds like a really cool event, but I seem to recall you earnestly citing Fox News during a political conversation the last time we hung out. I also saw you stiff the bartender on several occasions, and you seemed agitated when I was unable (and unwilling) to sit in silence watching the Knicks/Celtics game. I am going to pass.”

_____

“I have a family emergency. I know, my family lives 8,000 miles away… but I should stay by the phone in case someone needs me. Although admittedly, I’m the last person anyone would call during an emergency. It’d be more of a courtesy to me if anyone bothered to ring me up – an attempt to ‘keep me in the loop’ so that I don’t bitch about being the Black Sheep at Thanksgiving. I just don’t want to hang out. Sorry.”

_____

“Mmm…  I’d love to meet you at Barbossa, but I went on a date with someone else last night and he plied me with liquor (something you never do, if you were unaware). As a result I’ve spent the majority of the day locked in a bathroom, running the faucet and catching up on my Words With Friends games. You know what I’m saying.”

_____

“That sounds like fun, I might comply unless something better comes along. Can I just be really inconsiderate and let you know at the last minute or maybe even during the event, post-last minute? You don’t mind, right?”

_____

“To be frank, I’m not even sure how we got to a point where you’d feel comfortable inviting me places. There is no reason for us to willingly spend time together. As a person, I find you to be tedious and kind of unnecessary. Please refrain from talking to me going forward.”

_____

Give honesty a try this weekend and report back with your findings! I would do it myself, but I’m going to be busy washing my hair. TC mark

image – Liz McDaniel

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  • Megan

    Hilarious, as always

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    Yes. 

    We should all have this on auto “That sounds like fun, I might comply unless something better comes along. Can I just be really inconsiderate and let you know at the last minute or maybe even during the event, post-last minute? You don’t mind, right?”

    • RG

      This reminds me of those people who set “Maybe Attending” to every facebook event…. only to change it to “Not Attending” right before the event… WTF? Why bother?

  • ANG

    The first one FTW

  • https://unemploymentisnotsexy.wordpress.com/ To

    “This 100 degree heat is causing me to have chest pain, hang with with your boo instead”- successful turned down request to go six flags great adventure even though said trip had been planned for weeks 7/22/2011 12:00 pm

  • Anonymous

    oh sorry my phone died.

    • Megan

       I will intentionally hide my phone when I know someone’s calling so I don’t feel like I’m lying too much when I say I misplaced my phone. Whatever makes me feel better about it, right? RIGHT?

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    Sometimes I am this honest.  Not to the extent that you posted but “I’m sorry I’m just not feeling up to it” and leaving it at that, is honest.  Not feeling up to A.  hanging out with you, B.  hanging out with that person you invited C.  going to that awful bar D.  being around other humans.  My friends aren’t usually offended when I take that stance.  Better I stay home than be a wet blanket!  

  • MP80909

    Oh! I didn’t get your text…my phone has been acting weird…

    #JK #ItsABrandNewiPhone

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      Have you ever tried really hard to make that one happen? God. Anytime I use that one I feel like I’m asking to get called out. I’m cringing just thinking about it.

      • cant

        same. and for some reason i keep trying…

        … but recently i’ve been real into the: “i know you get pissed when i flake, so i’ll say maybe. sorry, it’s summer and i just gotta do me.”

    • Megan

      “Yeah I think something’s wrong with it.. I’m gonna go to Verizon tomorrow”

  • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

     “Truthfully, I’d probably man up if I thought you were going to sleep with me – but based on our previous interactions, I’m going to guess that you just want to bitch about your ex or your job and I truly can’t muster up the give-a-shit it takes to hang out with you. ”
    Perfectly worded. 

  • http://twitter.com/Max_Not_Mark Max M

    Do you ever try “I didn’t get your text until now and I already have plans!” Not completely false because I didn’t get (to responding to) the text and my plans are now to NOT do whatever you’re suggesting we do. Works every time

  • http://saltwatercoffee.wordpress.com/ Sara K

    Oh silly me, I left my Blackberry in my glove compartment again! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    This is great hahahah

  • http://twitter.com/BornToChill pancho

    “I would but it’s Tuesday” or any other day of the week.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    “Please refrain from talking to me going forward.”

    Stephanie, honey, what the hell does “going forward” mean? Is it like the _insert country here_ version of “from now on”? It perfectly captures how obnoxious the (honest) excuse is, haha.

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      Haha, I think it’s like ‘corporate speak,’ when I had a Real Job, we used it in emails often. But yeah, like, ‘from now on’ or ‘in the future’ would work. Going Forward seems to be the coldest/most dismissive of the three.

      • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

        omggggg having a ~*~Real Job~*~ is gross and so not TC. Going forward I will use this peculiar phrase, though.

      • Anonymous

        i used going forward 3 times in emails today.  i am not very TC

  • http://twitter.com/rmnks ramnik s.

    This article is golden. I love every excuse and can relate to all of them.

    “Sorry I didn’t get your text!!!” 

  • Sophia

    This is SO accurate. I’ve always said that the “Maybe Attending” option needs to cease to exist. 
    Rude.

  • Cher

    last paragraph was funny!
     

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    Frankly I have hungover booze shits and I would rather lay in my apartment in my underwear with the air-con and a tube of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.  

  • Kuffs

    Love it!  Effing awesome.

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