Prepackaged Responses To The Question, "Why Are You Single?"

Perhaps the most unnecessary question ever uttered, “Why are you single?” has been tolerated by the unattached masses for far too long. You can’t understand why I’m single? Me either! It’s so funny – just last week, someone was whispering, ‘I love you’ in my ear, and now look at me. Single and reluctant to mingle! Because such a question deserves a condescending answer, here are a few for you to memorize and use at your discretion. Enjoy!

I’m too busy with work. I mean I never planned it this way – who does? But I’ve become utterly consumed by my career. There’s nothing I’d rather do after a long, tiresome day of work than… well, work some more. For me, the satisfaction of a job well done is like getting fucked [especially when my paycheck arrives!]. I never have time to socialize, in fact. During my down time… well, I’m watching television and taking naps and hanging out with the same four friends I’ve been glued to for the past fifteen years. Yep, no time for a relationship here! You understand.

I’m shallow. Don’t take this wrong way or anything, but… my preferred sex? They can’t do anything right. I’m hard pressed to find one benefit of being in a relationship. Fucking idiots, the lot of them, and believe me I’d know. Oh, except if they’re smokin’ hot. Smokin’ hot people, such as myself, are evolved and it’d be wrong to lump them in with the rest of the worthless cretins I’m expected to be attracted to…  why are you looking at me like that?

I’m an asshole. I’m such an asshole, you know? People actively avoid dating me. Within twenty minutes of being exposed to me, people rightfully assume that my dad was too busy to toss a baseball/my mother didn’t hug me enough/I am the middle child. My distaste for literally everything is so off-putting that even people who are attracted to assholes think I’m terrible. And really, I can’t blame them – but I will, anyway.

I want to be single right now. Even if James Franco walked up to me right now, right this very moment, and asked me on a date, I’d refuse. You know why? Because I love being single. I LooOooOoVe it. It’s all about me right now – I don’t have to ‘check in’ with anyone and I’m not expected to watch the sun rise with a person who loves me for who I am – I don’t even have to have sex! I mean, what more could I want from life? Being single rocks!

I’m picky. Well, there was this one guy… we hit it off and I was just about ready to deactive my online dating profile when he… well, he coughed, you know? This retched, phlegm-ridden hack. And… need I say it? That’s a dealbreaker. If you can’t cough like a civilized human being, how am I supposed to introduce you to my cats? So I ended it, right then and there. Some of my friends say I’m too picky, but I’m not – I just have standards.

I’m a bitch. If it doesn’t affect me on a personal level, it’s irrelevant; that’s my motto. I’m just a god-awful, inconsiderate person and best of all; I’m completely transparent about it. I’m just owning it, or whatever. Those ‘good’ girls? The ones who consider other people’s feelings and are thoughtful, genuine people? They wish they could own it like me. Jealousy’s a bitch, and so am I.

It’s summer. It’s the hottest, sexiest season of the year! Who wants to be in a relationship?! Not this guy. No, summer is for playing the field [although it’s been seven months and counting since the last time I got laid. Not that I’m counting. No, not this guy.] Yeah, I mean, when fall rolls around I’ll probably shack up with my favorite summer babe. Relationships are nice in autumn, yeah? Yeah. Autumn. Relationships in autumn.

I’m heartbroken. Sure, my last relationship ended three years ago, but I’m still healing. How can I trust again? How can I forget the betrayal, the burden of which I wear like a tattered, ill-fitting badge of honor? No – I am unable to love, damaged in unspeakable ways. Even the late Dr. Kevorkian couldn’t take away this pain.

I don’t know. I have no idea why I’m single. It’s hard for me to have an affirmative opinion on that… on anything, really. Try me. Ask me a question, any question at all, and I’ll just sputter ‘I don’t know,’ because I refuse to say anything that may endear or repel you. Unless the answer can be Google’d, my reply will probably be an apathetic admission of spinelessness. I have no backbone, I’m bereft of opinion, I possess zero self-awareness, and I sincerely have no idea why I’m single. TC mark

image – Pascal

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Prepackaged Responses To The Question, "Why Are You Single?" is cataloged in , , , , , , ,
  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I’ve lacking in the looks department and my personality isn’t any better.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=539592740 Viktoriya Gaponski

    I’m not ready to give up hot sex with random strangers

  • Guest

    I have a sex addiction.

  • seriously

    everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

  • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

    Reason why I’m single: I’m in love with an article. 
    I’m unable to love anyone or anything else because I’m so helplessly in love with this very article. 

  • http://twitter.com/Jen_Erixon Jenre Nifernoxi

    I’m ugly

  • Asdf

    Mine: “I’m reciprocal.” or “I’m tangential.” or “I’m about to bitch-slap you if you ask again.”

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    My friends said I’m single because I’m an asshole. So did my mom.

    fml.

  • http://twitter.com/henryevil andrew

    I suppose it doesn’t help that my body’s covered in scales.

    • Justin

      don’t look at me, I’m hideous!

  • coffeeandinternets

    RE: James Franco

    Hit it and quit it, girl.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    You’ve actually got me worried about why I never get this question…it’s like people just look at me and know. 

  • Ashley Wade

    I realize this was meant as satire, but a lot of those are pretty dead on.

    • guest

      good satire is always dead on, champ

  • http://www.adrianmcmillan.com/blog Adrian McMillan

    I fit well under the “asshole” and “picky” categories.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1392661917 Olivia Tiberio

    The towering stack of boyfriend applications in my office is so overwhelming, I just can’t even begin to look through them.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6IFPDSFKEQJE2ZPP3ASE35MRL4 Laura

    I’m single because I hate everyone.

    • guest

      me 2, babe

      probably hate you 2 tho, damn

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6IFPDSFKEQJE2ZPP3ASE35MRL4 Laura

        That’s fine, I probably hate you too. Let’s just hate ourselves and each other and call it a day!

      • Best Guest

        let’s all get together and express our hate for each other, then punch each other in the face and write “I HATE YOU” on the wall with our blood.

      • MDOG

        im down, asl?

      • Best Guest

        it smells like up dog in here

  • ryan

    well… there’s absolutely no reason for me to write on dating now. you wrote it for me. to a t. i felt like it was coming out of my mouth while i read it. this is me.

  • what

    i’m way too interesting to be in a relationship. keeping up with me would probably be exhausting.

  • J.C.

    “Sure, my last relationship ended three years ago, but I’m still healing.”

    Holy shit.  I’ve lost count of the number of times that I’ve heard friends or people I’m dating complain about a past relationships that ended MORE THAN TWO YEARS AGO!!  I always get the urge to bitch slap them and yell “GET OVER IT, YOU WEAK BASTARD!!”, but I restrain myself..

    • guest

      sometimes shit’s hard

      • God

        Oh, is it?

      • guest

        not for me

      • Best Guest

        Interesting. Very..interesting.

      • Best Guest

        Interesting. Very..interesting.

  • Anonymous

    I’m not in a relationship because I am in a committed relationship with my bank account.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=93401614 Amy Stubblefield

    I love like this whole fucking thing, but you are my HERO for this sentence: “If you can’t cough like a civilized human being, how am I supposed to introduce you to my cats?”

  • http://twitter.com/melvinismad Melvin Alvarez

    just the thought of being in a relationship is overwhelming. It’s like I’m having this relationship with the thought of being in a relationship.

    • Justin

      hey melvin, get out of your mind and into my car :O

  • Best Guest

    I just wanted to say that I am single for 3 reasons:

     1) Men are wary of my attractiveness and think I will philander with other men.
    2) I am too busy spending time “doing me”, which includes hanging out with my cat and practicing auto asphyxiation
    3) The last time I hung out with a guy, he tried to kiss me, and I punched him in the dick then laughed for 10 minutes as he cried.

    • Your Momma

      wow that would do it …

  • Best Guest

    I just wanted to say that I am single for 3 reasons:

     1) Men are wary of my attractiveness and think I will philander with other men.
    2) I am too busy spending time “doing me”, which includes hanging out with my cat and practicing auto asphyxiation
    3) The last time I hung out with a guy, he tried to kiss me, and I punched him in the dick then laughed for 10 minutes as he cried.

  • http://twitter.com/arhcamt R

    i’m single because i’m afraid of commitment. there, i said it.

    • Best Guest

      boring.

      • http://twitter.com/arhcamt R

        well most truths are.

  • Anonymous

    I’m still single because James Franco didn’t ask me out-yet.

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