Legitimate Reasons To Stay Home On A Friday Night

I’m going to let you guys in on something – you do not have to go out on a Friday night. I repeat: You do not have to go out on a Friday night. The universe will not fold in on itself if you decide that you want to stay home. Even better? You do not have to apologize for it. From the ages of, I don’t know, roughly 18-23, you tell your friends that you’re staying in on a Friday night and everyone looks at you like you just told them you’re running away to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It’s like, look, I know I’m the life of your party but I can’t be a beach babe 24-7. Sometimes I need to do me. (‘Doing Me’ typically entails laying on my futon with a jazz cigarette, some Ben & Jerry’s flavor I’ve never heard of before, and a full DVR queue of Degrassi.) I’m going to share with you my cache of perfectly acceptable reasons to stay home on a Friday night.

You have work in the morning. Why do we go out on a Friday for ‘a few drinks’ only to find ourselves making out with a stranger on a broken couch eight hours later? We know we have work in the morning, and we know Saturday-work hangovers are the worst of their kind, mostly because no one else seems to be working or hungover. The people you encounter while working on a Saturday are always accompanied by a smug air of Casual Weekender Who Loves Life (as opposed to your air, which is A Forty Minute Shower Couldn’t Undo The Damage). “Excuse me miss, can you recommend a mid-priced restaurant for my perfectly-coiffed family and I? Oh, oh, also? I think you might need to take the trash out… it smells like a combination of sweaty dog and that time the Sigma Kappa sisters made my pledge class wash their hair with dirty mop water for a week… that smell… oh my god, I think I’m going to be sick…” Just stay home, get some rest, and make Saturday night your bitch.

You’re sick. When you feel like you’re coming down with something, what you should NOT do is try to squeeze in as many drinks as possible before giving in to a three-day Nyquilcaton. Every time you choose hanging out over resting when you’re sick, your body is thinking, “Are you serious? Again? No wonder you’re single. You’re an abusive asshole and I’m going to purposely gain five pounds because I hate you as much as you hate me.”

You’re hungover. Maybe you went a little hard Thursday night? You sat at work all day dreaming of lasagna and tainting the office aesthetic with your stale cigarette aura (it’s not ethereal, it’s gross)? Well, you know what they (I) say – Thursday is the new Friday. People who have successfully mastered post-college socializing have been out every night of the week and are holding on for dear life by the time Friday rolls around. Friday, they’re cuddling a domesticated animal and catching up on Treme, while the amateurs reign over the ~CLuB~ or the ~BaR~ for the next 48 hours. I mean, just tell yourself that until you’re feeling aces again (so, Saturday).

You’re broke. Being on a two-week pay cycle (or better yet, a no-job pay cycle) can sometimes shut your weekend down. The weekend is this hot young thing you’re flirting with at the bar, the one who’s actually a pricey escort. “Hey babe, my name is Friday, I think we’d have sOoOoO much fun together – wait what? You have no money? I see… hold on, let me take this phone call. ‘Mom? The hospit—what?! I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, tops. Oh my god. I hope everything is okay.’ Well, I guess you overheard that very pressing, serious phone call. Gotta run! Call me when you figure out your poor person problem!” Just… stay home and read a book or something. Don’t take shit from that Friday slut.

You feel like it. You don’t need an excuse to stay home. Even god took a day off, you know? And if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me. The bars and the babes will be there next weekend, and the one after, and the one after that, even! Oh my god, you’ll see so many bars and babes in your lifetime that eventually they’ll become totally unremarkable, like toenails or something. They aren’t going anywhere. And neither are you. Chill hard and prosper. TC mark

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  • Random

    Staying in on ‘going out’ night was so much more difficult in college (for me) because it was impossible to avoid hearing all the people pregaming, partying ect. Now, with a real place, ignorance is bliss when I’m not in the mood.

    • Sophia

      I’m afraid that when I get out of college, not having those people around getting ready is going to mean I never ever make myself go out.

  • Jokes

    I normally like Mormon jokes, but that one was really out of place.

  • Jessie

    (‘Doing Me’ typically entails laying on my futon with a jazz cigarette, some Ben & Jerry’s flavor I’ve never heard of before, and a full DVR queue ofDegrassi.) 
    YES!!!

    • Guesty

      perfect night in

  • https://unemploymentisnotsexy.wordpress.com/ To

    I’m staying home tonight because I’m broke and it’s hot as shit outside. O and I feel like it

  • Anonymous

    Halfway down I had to scroll back up because I could’ve sworn Ryan O’ Connell wrote this. You (and he) are so great at writing ultra-relatable (and hilarious) articles. 

  • http://twitter.com/blingless Dave P

    It’s legitimate to stay in or go out on any night of the week for any reason whatsoever. Eff society.

  • http://twitter.com/RyaninAustralia Ryan Culliver

    It’s Friday night & I’m staying at home. Why? Because I’d much rather deal with the hangover these 4 bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon will give me than people I would deal with if I left this apartment. #dark

    • EP

      Oh my god, you’re my best friend. This is EXACTLY why I don’t like going out.

      • EP

        Meaning I’d rather drink Cabernet Sauvignon than shitty mixed drinks or garbage beer. Just clearing that up.

  • FC

    See these are all good and responsible reasons, but the problem is the unavoidable feeling that you’re missing out on something. Even if that ‘something’ happens to be nothing (via shattered expectations  and the wasting of money, hangover, etc). It’s that energetic buzz in the air on the weekends when all of the young animals are let out to graze, and you gotta join in. Only live once right? right? Katy Perry/Rebecca Black know whats up.

    • grainofsalt

      FOMO – fear of missing out. It plagues me

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    i like not going out more than going out.

    going out usually just entails a haze of disappointment and maybe some drunk texting that tends to lead nowhere.  and i can get up early the next morning and go running/hit the gym.  yay, health.

  • douchegirl

    What about “Because my mom made something delicious for dinner”? 

  • douchegirl

    What about “Because my mom made something delicious for dinner”? 

  • Anonymous

    Eh. I liked the article better the first 3245067 times Ryan O’Connell wrote it. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Steph, it’s Annie’s birthday, so you should come out and party with us, don’t stay in tonight.

  • ~**Sally Jenkins**~

    mmmmmm  our generation is so underwhelming i want to start over.

  • Kennneth Gibson

    What if you have to work Friday night and then Sunday morning? Then you’re fucked. 

  • Guest

    Is this it?

  • rphl

    Reading this while drunk after a Friday night out. Can’t say I would’ve had any less fun had I stayed home. So, agreed.

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    “Chill hard and prosper.”
    You are such gold. Why can’t I be you?

  • Chynna Joy

    You rock.

  • Totes Mormon.

    * The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Not “The Church of Latter Day Saints.”

  • Michael Lynch

    ‘Chill hard and prosper’ is just great.

  • guestwah

     thank you for giving the permission to stay home on a Friday night mom

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