Sometimes, we meet someone new and the attraction is effortless in ways we didn’t know existed. This is when we know it’s time to end it. We’re bad people who don’t deserve to be happy, we’re not emotionally stable, we’re just – ugh would you lay off the pressure? You’re like my mom nagging me to clean my room, you wonderful, smart, attractive, easygoing person who I’ve dreamt of meeting my entire life.
Of course, while we know we’re doing the right thing in sabotaging our budding relationship with someone amazing who has done absolutely everything right, we’re cowards and so we have to end A Good Thing as passively as possible. Here are the most effective tactics for destroying A Good Thing.
Trash talk their friends. You need to be 100% uncommitted to happiness for this method to work, because there’s no way to bounce back from talking copious amounts of shit on someone’s friends. Question the character of every friend you’re introduced to, making sure to inappropriately judge them and make heinous claims about them with little to no supporting evidence. “She seems like a slut. I don’t know, I just don’t trust her.” Shower the friends with backhanded compliments so that the implied hatred becomes mutual. “Oh! Look at this couch you’ve got; my great-grandmother had one just like it in 1914. So… vintage. Will it disintegrate if I sit on it? Just kidding! Haha.”
Flake out. Commit to every plan this lovely person throws your way, then flake out at the last minute. Be sure to use the over-the-top, played out excuses that you stored in your brain during your tenure as a Saved By The Bell rerun enthusiast. “I have to wash my hair tonight, totally forgot” or, “I have to babysit my twelve little brothers and my dad’s too poor to buy me a dress for the prom” are such bullshit excuses that the person pursuing you will be humiliated for having ever been attracted to you – so much so that they’ll surrender immediately. Alternative excuses: I’m too hungover to go out again tonight, I think I’m coming down with something, I have to stay at work late, I had to book a last-minute therapy session.
Forget how to use a calendar. Rather than flaking out on plans, don’t show up altogether. When they follow up with you, say “Oh, that was tonight? I thought that was next Tuesday.” When they try to reschedule like the forgiving soul that they are, suddenly know your schedule by heart. “Monday, I’m having dinner with a client. Tuesday, my aunt is coming to town. Wednesday, I’m going to the zoo, Thursday…” and just continue to do that until you’ve worked your way through March 2012.
Become a matchmaker. Disregarding any physical closeness you may have engaged in and even encouraged, go on what your newly appointed friend believes is a date. Rattle on about your coworker, who would be a great match for them – or your friend, or your cousin. When confusion washes over their face, ignore it completely. Split the bill and ask them to wish you luck – you’re about to go on a date with someone really special. Isn’t it all so exciting?!
Talk about all of your failed relationships. Discussing your prior relationships in a maladjusted way is an excellent technique to employ when scaring someone away. Say things like, “I don’t believe in love anymore” and, “The darkest corners of my soul are forever altered.” Conversely, you could take the detached route, channeling your Inner Stone Cold Psycho in the casual way that only a sociopath can. “Our friends used to call us Sid and Nancy, believe it or not.” They’ll believe it. You are scary.
Become overbearing. Send text messages in rapid succession, without allowing them the chance to read the messages or write back. 1. Hey babe 2. What are you doing? 3. Are you mad at me? 4. Seems like you’re mad at me. 5. Did I do something wrong? 6. I miss you. 7. Did you get my e-card from Blue Mountain Greeting Cards? 8. What are we doing this weekend? 9. My mom says hi, babe. 10. Babe.
Follow one or all of these simple strategies to turn someone off indefinitely. Side effects include extreme loneliness, severe regret, and looking like an asshole.