For the DSM-V’s Consideration: Apple Obsessive Disorder
By Thoughtis
Apple Obsessive Disorder is characterized by the overwhelming, uncontrollable affinity one develops for the Apple brand. It usually begins with an individual’s first iPod purchase and swells with the release of every new generation of Apple products.
Apple Obsessive Disorder is usually confused with having ‘tech savvy,’ and afflicted individuals are typically referred to as ‘Mac Enthusiasts’ or ‘Mac Whores’ in popular culture.
Individuals with Apple Obsessive Disorder appear to be outwardly proud of their Loyalty To A Hip Brand, but often struggle with unintentionally labeling themselves as ‘Annoying Asshole With An iPhone, Seriously, Put That Thing Away.’ They are prone to bursts of self-reflection, in which they realize that their excessive fondness for Apple products is the most shameless demonstration of consumerism they’ve ever engaged in. Individuals with Apple Obsessive Disorder often feel a bit inane whenever an observer points out that they are way too consumed with and proud of something that someone else created. Individuals may exhibit anti-social traits (e.g., cutting a conversation short to listen to their iPod, refreshing their Twitter stream excessively while in the company of others, pulling their iPad out in social settings for no apparent reason other than to demonstrate that they own an iPad).
Individuals with Apple Obsessive Disorder frequently display reckless spending habits and a progressively alienating demeanor. These individuals may also experience a loss of interest in sexual relationships, choosing instead to devote their attention to beating a particularly challenging level of Angry Birds.
Symptoms of Apple Obsessive Disorder
Apple Obsessive Disorder is diagnosed when a person has acquired three or more products from ‘the Apple family’ (e.g., The iPod, The iPad, The MacBook, the iPhone) and consists of the majority of these symptoms:
- Inability to understand the concept of right-clicking a mouse when using a PC
- The false belief that a Mac purchase will magically turn any given individual into a ‘Master of the Digital Arts,’ a ‘Social Media Guru,’ and a ‘Person of Unequivocal Sexual Prowess’
- Body image issues stemming from the individual’s inability to type a word effectively due to the size of their fingers
- Prioritizing the acquisition of The Latest Apple Product above basic human needs (e.g., eating and sleeping)
- An overpowering sense of obligation when it is the individual’s turn in Words With Friends
- Constantly reminding everyone with a BlackBerry that they are inferior because they cannot take screenshots of their text messages
- Feelings of hubris when the perfect Instagram photo has been snapped
- Releasing toxic levels of smug into the environment
- Denial that other MP3 players exist aside from the iPod
- Writing articles about fictional disorders to gauge whether or not their seemingly inappropriate addiction to Apple products is ‘normal’ or at the very least, ‘socially acceptable’
Apple Obsessive Disorder is most prevalent in Gen-Y, but shows signs of worsening in succeeding generations. The recent introduction of the iPhone to the Verizon network has increased the number of individuals suffering from Apple Obsessive Disorder by 57%.
How is Apple Obsessive Disorder Diagnosed?
While personality disorders are typically diagnosed by a trained mental health professional, anyone with eyes can diagnose an individual with Apple Obsessive Disorder. If the Apple user does not use an Apple product to create a barrier between themselves and the world within three minutes of observation, they are probably not afflicted with Apple Obsessive Disorder. Individuals who use PCs and have limited exposure to Apple products are better able to diagnose those around them, as fellow Apple users either accept the constant checking of devices as a fact of life, or are too busy checking their own devices to effectively observe another person for more than two minutes. Angry Birds isn’t going to play itself, you know.
Causes of Apple Obsessive Disorder
Apple Obsessive Disorder is caused by the short-term borrowing of gadgets from Apple owners, despite owning similar, slightly less aesthetic but perfectly suitable products. Checking one’s email from a friend’s MacBook or borrowing an iPhone to find a nearby Chinese food restaurant sparks an interest in owning said gadgets. Researchers cannot pin down the exact turning point, but it is believed that an individual makes large Apple purchases after exposure to anywhere between 127 and 142 perfectly cropped screenshots.
Treatment of Apple Obsessive Disorder
Treatment of Apple Obsessive Disorder can be as simple as falling in love with a hot, Adbusters enthusiast, or as extensive as long-term therapy.