Thought Catalog

Dating Website Tactics That Need To Be Retired

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Using the line “I just want to give you fair warning that I’ve already married and divorced you in my mind.”

While this seems like a really healthy way to react when you’ve enjoyed someone’s profile, I’m fairly certain this line never works. It’s not that it’s inherently unfunny; I probably snickered the first time it was used on me. The first time. The fortieth time, I realized it’s not original enough to mean anything. It also strikes me as extraordinarily presumptuous and pessimistic. “Let’s joke about divorce, I’ve only spent the past sixteen years in therapy because of one! Divorces are so L-O-L FUNNY! Can we joke about my eating disorder next?”

Looking like a different person in every picture

Did you take all of your profile pictures in a boardwalk Fun House? It takes a special talent to look so drastically different in every photo. How can you look at 10 pictures of someone and still be unsure of what they look like? You make me feel like I’m hallucinating. You’re just as bad as One Picture Guy and Old Picture Guy (“This picture is from 2002, it’s the only one I have. I know, right?!”). Please join the rest of us in the 21st Century, where gratuitous pictures of ourselves are superfluous.

Rapid fire Instant Messaging

The1UNever4get (3:45 PM): hey
The1UNever4get (3:45 PM): how’s ur day going?
The1UNever4get (3:46 PM): ………
The1UNever4get (3:46 PM): guess u don’t want to chat?
The1UNever4get (3:46 PM): sucks for me…….
The1UNever4get (3:47 PM): well send me a msg sometime if ur interested
The1UNever4get (3:47 PM): talk to u soon i hope!

GTFO.

Referencing the fact that you’re on a dating website in your profile

“I’m really good at writing dating website profiles.”
“I’m embarrassed to be on a dating website.”
“My friends made me sign up for this dating website.”

Babe, we’re all on a dating website. We know. Talking about the fact that you’re on a dating website is a waste of characters – it says nothing about you other than the fact that your middle name is potentially Captain Obvious. This isn’t some Zack Morris “time out” moment where you need to continuously break the fourth wall and bring us up to speed, ala “TIME OUT! Can you guys believe that someone like MOI is here, on a dating website? I mean, the internet! It’s CaAaRrRaAaZzZyY!” No. It’s not crazy. It’s 2011.

Using their/ there/ they’re as a barometer of whether or not you will date someone

It’s (sort of) okay to be a Grammar Nazi – but are we so strapped for grammatical errors that we have to continuously refer back to the same tired example of English abuse? “It’s like, I could NEVER date someone who doesn’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re! OMG don’t even message me if you don’t know the difference!” I can’t wait to date you; you’re probably a shitload of fun at parties. A charismatic, deep person capable of understanding the many nuances of human nature. We will discuss the oxford comma and parenthetical referencing; we will dance. O’, how we will dance. TC mark

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    • bbrbv
    • yakovlev

      That changed my background into a giant GOATSE

    • http://www.facebook.com/TomSmizzle Tom Smith

      Hey baby I know a nice coffee place with all kinds of grammatical errors in the menu. Let's go there and discuss how much better we are than them.

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      Stephanie, if someone uses ALL of these tactics could that person be great?  You know, the sum greater than its parts and all that.  I'm asking for a friend, not me.

      • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

        Only if their handle is 'Perfect Circles'

    • http://www.guidetomenhattan.com Rachel

      People are the worst.

    • ror1

      probably the best article on here in a while.  nice one.

    • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

      That last one is so spot-on.

    • http://fuckingbigthoughts.blogspot.com/ Andrew

      i fucking loved this article.  thank you communications director stephanie.  i hope their are more to come. hope i havent/dont/do/will been one of the idiots/not idiots or whatever

      • LitNit

        This was an on-purpose joke?

    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      Zack Morris! nice

    • Niv

      I can see why you are single Stephanie.  Grammar is not a sign of intelligence.. its just a sign of someone who knows how to write.

      • Annie

        *it's

        • Niv

          tanks so verrie musch

      • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

        LOL. Think you misunderstood that part, but anyway. If only my single status were that easily explained.

      • macwb05

        Judging by both your lack of comprehension and the myriad of errors throughout your own reply, you fail on both counts.

        • Ni

          whatevererr sum peeple on dis seite so snobbie bout gramar

      • Niv

        Kristen, IDK if I understand your question?

    • Guest

      I've met multiple online suitors by discussing the oxford comma.

    • xra

      #1 shows up a lot b/c it's a basic PUA line

      #3 kind of also, as part of giving the “i don't need to be on a dating website” vibe

    • http://www.facebook.com/tommydelgreco Thomas Del Greco

      I'd say all these are pretty spot-on.

    • Dfsdfs

      love the end hahahah

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      I want to go on dating websites but am too afraid of getting messaged tits… Oh wait that's a lie.

      • SousChefGerard

        If I get another tit pic, I might have to quit the internet.

    • Guest666

      yo what's yer username? let's go on a date…uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh or just come over and let's get drunk really quickly, have sex, and maybe let's not talk to each other ever again after that. wanna?

    • uybn4
    • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

      I think #5 has some validity. Clearly, I wouldn't base my decision on how they write because maybe they're just being lazy (it is the internet). However, if in person they still cannot decipher the difference between “they are” and “there is” then no, I will not date you, because obviously you have sub-average intelligence. I aint settlin for no stupid bitch.

    • Alex Keen

      I enjoyed this article until the last section. One of the most enjoyable dates I ever went on featured an in-depth discussion of both parenthetical referencing and the Oxford Comma.

    • Veteran Online Dater

      I need to rant and guarantee every guy will second these items: 
      1.) Lame and unoriginal headlines- I lost count on how many times I’ve read “Live, laugh, Love”. 
      2.) It’s annoying having to view pictures of a girl’s cat and/or dog.  I don’t care about your pets I want to see what you look like.  Have multiple pictures of you including body shots.  If I’m not physically attracted to you you’re wasting both of times. 
      3.) It’s not ok to say you’re “laid back” or “easy going”.  I’m not even sure what that means anymore.  It’s always been a stereotype that women were so good about expressing themselves and guys lacked in that department.  Wrong! 
      4.)  Take the time to actually write a few paragraphs about yourself and who you are.  Providing detail allows a guy to know if he’s truly interested in a girl like you.  Details about you also opens the door for him to ask questions.  Otherwise, the only reason you’re getting 100 emails/day from guys is because of your pictures alone.  With that you’ll just be another chapter in your “He’s Just Not That Into You” book.  You’ve been warned.
      5.)  Having list after list of demands…mostly unrealistic.  It makes you sound like a real B.
      6.) When you receive/write back an email please reply with some questions of your own.  Getting to know someone works both ways. A guy shouldn’t be forced to keep a conversation going at first.  Come on I know you women love to talk and ask questions. 
      7.)  Subject lines should cease to exist on dating sites.  It seems that a lot of girls will quickly judge based on that and there might be a well thought out clever email that just happens to lack a witty subject line.

    • http://aeriesroom.com/2014/10/11/okstupid-dumb-creepy-okcupid-messages/ OKStupid: Dumb and creepy messages from OkCupid

      […] One investigative Google search informed me that apparently, this is a common copypasted message. I didn’t reply. Two days later, he […]

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