Thought Catalog

Life Lessons From The Movie Clueless

  • 0

Lesson # 1: The new girl doesn’t need the popular girl’s help

When Tai makes her Bronson Alcott High School debut, Cher and Dionne are on her like frugal newlyweds on a fixer-upper. What they don’t know is that the new girl doesn’t need help fitting in. The new girl never needs help fitting in. Why? Because she’s new. She’s unchartered territory. Though Tai is “toe up” (as described by Dionne), she had major stoner appeal and eventually proved to be attractive enough to pique the interest of both Paul Rudd and Breckin Meyer, two total ‘90s babes. And Cher? A virgin who can’t drive.

Lesson # 2: You might crush on a gay guy

The hetero teen girl never entertains the idea that the guy she likes is hanging out with her for the chance to scope her hot brother with his shirt off. If the guy isn’t sexually interested, it’s because we’re too skinny/fat/smart/stupid, right? Our perspective is underdeveloped until we experience our first gay-boy crush. Until then, we’re in the age of ignorant bliss – “this is America, damn it; our love interests are straight until proven gay!” Cher flaunts her cleavage and burnt ass cookies until Murray clues her in on the fact that Christian is “a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy.”

Lesson # 3: Should your Gaydar fail you, take it in stride

Once Cher discovered the (implied) truth about Christian, everything was in its right place. Cher didn’t lose a potential love interest; she gained a shopping partner and platonic soul mate. A gay man is rarely offended when an attractive woman bats her lashes his way, and will accept the misunderstanding gracefully – unless you go all, “I’LL TURN YOU” on him. In the words of Cher, “As if!” Don’t threaten to “turn” someone straight.  It doesn’t work like that.

Lesson # 4: Money can’t buy class

Talking about your nose job in public? Gaudy. Wearing a feather boa without even a trace of irony? Unforgiveable. Where the fuck were these girls raised, 90210 or Anna Nicole Smith’s School for the Nouveau-Gauche?

Lesson # 5: Sex = Happiness

When you get older and have your very own grown up job, don’t you perform better when you’re not sexually frustrated? Aren’t we all buzzing and birds during an otherwise bleak Walk of Shame? Sexing people are happy people. Even Cher, Duchess of Virgin, was aware of this golden rule and was able to manipulate her teachers into giving her generous grades by making sure they were getting busy.

Lesson # 6: You can hookup with your ex-stepbrother; no one will say anything

It’s A-OK to make out with your ex-stepbrother at weddings, play footsies with him under the dining room table, and correct his age-appropriate date when she misquotes Hamlet. Seriously. Your dad won’t even mind. He’ll just peer at you over the rim of his glasses and nod his head in amusement. Wait – really? Cher is going to date Josh and no one’s going to say anything about it? I mean… no one? Well. Okay then.

Lesson # 7: Your guy friend wants to sleep with you

Cher truly displays her cluelessness when trying to pawn Tai off on Elton. She’s playing matchmaker while Elton is undressing her with his eyes and humming “Make Me Wanna” by Usher beneath his breath. If that song were out in 1995. You get where I’m going with this. Cher, Elton’s hot! The oblivious bus steered you the wrong way, babe.

Lesson # 8: Any song you have with an ex will be permanently tainted

Everyone has that one song that they can’t listen to anymore because it reminds them of a failed romance. Tai went so far as to throw her Coolio tape in the fireplace because she and Elton …listened to it at the same time while attending the same party? I don’t know. Being a teenager is dramatic and weird.

Lesson # 9: Youth is a never-ending drug innuendo

Green is not a color and coke is not America’s favorite beverage. Recognizing the many nuances of drug use is a teenage rite of passage. You’re not a real person until you make your first thinly veiled drug allusion. TC mark

image – Clueless
Powered by Revcontent

Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection

I used to get butterflies when I looked at you, but now they feel more like maggots feasting away on the heart you slaughtered.

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I learned that alicia silverstone was freaking foxy

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I also learned that while Clueless is a gay, fun ol’ time, I’m not sophisticated enough for its older sister, Emma.  My God, did that put me to sleep. 

  • aestheticallychallenged

    This made my day. I love Clueless.

  • http://www.facebook.com/earthtonichole EarthToNichole

    10. It’s ok to smoke weed at parties in the valley but not on the quad at school.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1539480544 Kellye Kosanda

    1. Oh my God, thank you.
    2. Cher successfully intervenes when Tai tries to throw the Coolio tape away.

  • SisterRay

    I adore this. But you did overlook the pretty crucial fact that Elton was a skeeze who tried numerous times to make out with Cher against her wishes, and he was a snob and a half.

  • http://jesuismilena.com Milena Pagan

    People need to be reminded of the existence of this movie more often.

  • Megan

    This movie sparked my complete adoration for Brittany Murphy. She’s kind of my Marilyn (hey, two tragic blondes!) but with an edge.

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/4vh

  • Michelle

    Now, all night long, I’m gonna be known as that girl who fell on her butt.

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/16-tips-for-being-cool-at-parties/ 16 Tips For Being Cool At Parties | Thought Catalog

    […] Show up with a D-list celebrity. You could probably rent Alicia Silverstone or the lead singer of Smash Mouth for like $50 a night on […]

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/17-surefire-ways-to-lose-weight/ 17 Surefire Ways To Lose Weight | Thought Catalog

    […] just a little sniffly and quiet tears, it’s not going to do anything. In the words of Cher Horowitz, “I doubt you’ll have worked off the calories in a stick of care-free gum.” But […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/10/17-surefire-ways-to-lose-weight/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] just a little sniffly and quiet tears, it’s not going to do anything. In the words of Cher Horowitz, “I doubt you’ll have worked off the calories in a stick of care-free gum.” But […]

blog comments powered by Disqus