Ten Ridiculous Lines From Cover Letters I Wrote

May 2008. The recession was looming, the presidential race was heated, and I was a recent college graduate. Exciting times! And exhausting times. After my internship-to-employment plan was foiled, I needed work – and fast. It was that or move home. I was disgustingly earnest and applied to every entry level PR, marketing, and web position I could find. While my days as an angst-ridden, jobless youth are long gone, the emails I sent during that time are still alive and well in the depths of my outbox. There is nothing quite as painful as finding evidence of what a tool you were when applying for jobs as a recent college graduate. Here are ten examples of why it took me six months to get hired.

1. March 28th, 2008; Position Unknown

“I have both a Facebook account with 626 friends, and a MySpace account with about 200 friends.”

2. April 4th, 2008; Fit Model

“I’m not the exact measurements, but I figured it was worth a shot since all of my dresses are 4’s.”

3. May 19th, 2008; Freelance Event Assistant

“I helped the planner recruit firemen, invited guests who would actively participate as buyers in the auction, contacted vendors to garner donations for prizes, greeted guests, helped collect money from those who had bought a fireman, made sure guests were taken care of and that no trouble started (as this event was at a bar with a lot of women and alcohol), and generally assisted the planner.”

4. May 22nd, 2008; Position Unknown

“Without further adieu, here are my top fives (very High Fidelity of you, I like it):”

5. May 23rd, 2008; Product Integrity Coordinator

“I am a quick learner and extremely internet savvy (I started posting on the Ty Beanie Babies message boards at seven years old).”

6. May 27th, 2008; Position Unknown

“I have actually been to Pink Elephant before as a patron and was very impressed.”

7. May 29th, 2008; Position Unknown

“If there is something I don’t know, I Google it and figure it out.”

8. June 4th, 2008; House and Pet Sitter

“I love all animals and would respect them as well as your house.”

9. July 3rd, 2008; Beauty PR Account Coordinator

“I’m bright and friendly, and I don’t bring baggage to work.”

10. From the same cover letter

“The internet is like my second home (or maybe my first).”

_____

On September 1st, 2008, I landed a full-time position. As a receptionist. TC mark

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  • http://snkpks.tumblr.com snkpks

    I like your gumption.

  • http://twitter.com/joshliburdi Josh Liburdi

    christ, have I been doing all my cover letters wrong?

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    I once applied for a position as a researcher on an art show.  I hand made my application envelope out of an art gallery pamplet.  I did not get the job, but I received one of the nicest rejection letters I've ever seen (so nice, I kept the letter).

  • Santino

    8 and 10 I may use myself.

  • empem

    no one has commented on the fact that it should really be “ado” rather than “adieu”?

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      These are unedited, and I was kind of a moron (if you couldn't tell from that list). But I suppose we could add a [sic] in there.

  • empem

    haha, no! sorry – kind of a grammar freak. i think this list is great (“adieu” included). i have some pretty terrible cover letters in my past, too. just wasn't sure whether the “adieu” was intentional or an oversight.

  • Jelly Roll Morton

    I'm worried about you. you're never going to get a job.

    • Jelly Roll Morton

      … is what I would say to the person using these lines in a cover letter.

  • http://twitter.com/melvinismad Melvin Alvarez

    I don't even want to think about the coverletters I've made so kudos to you!

    • http://twitter.com/melvinismad Melvin Alvarez

      for sharing these.

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    The Fit Model is my fave.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    Without further adieu ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    You are so delightful! :D

    These are totally fine, considering the fact that I write the most thoughtful cover letters and no one responds to me anyway. Instead, the ones that get replies are the ones I write at 4am when I'm like “oh fuck it I'll just apply for kicks”.

    • http://twitter.com/melvinismad Melvin Alvarez

      the truest story of all time.

  • ahclevergirl

    you are super self aware

    • ahclevergirl

      in reference to : 10. From the same cover letter
      “The internet is like my second home (or maybe my first).”

  • you're awesome!

    “I am a quick learner and extremely internet savvy (I started posting on the Ty Beanie Babies message boards at seven years old).”  That gave me one of those surprised/horse/snort laughs. 
    When most people are self depreciating in their articles, there's usually that slightly pretentious hipsterdish feel to it. I don't know really how to explain it lol. Your writing always simply gives me a good, natural laugh.

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      :) thank you!

  • ess

    hahahaha this is unreal

  • ariel

    I'd have to agree, I am mildy concerned you'll never get a job either. Then again I like that these lines are creative. If I were a boss I would interview you. And who wants to work for a boss that doesn't appreciate some humor and creativity? But, in reality, it seems most bosses aren't the most fun people anyway and just want your letter to be professional and cookie cutter, boooooo.

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