Delusional Expectations of an Aging Millennial

I will develop a “bedtime routine.” I will make a diligent effort to wash my face every night before bed. I will dab anti-wrinkle cream on my fingers and gently trace circles onto my aging skin, like I’ve watched my mother do. Once a week, I’ll apply a facial mask that will require fifteen minutes of doing something else until it dries; something noncommittal like fixing a cup of tea.

Bedtime will arrive at approximately the same time every night, and I’ll wear something soft and feminine. It will probably be a cotton teddy with lace trim; it will be something I would wear out of the house if I were a few years younger. I will not sleep naked or in an ex-boyfriend’s t-shirt or in whatever outfit I wore to work/ the bar/ a date. I will sleep in my own bed. I will not let exhaustion/ laziness/ contentedness become an excuse for sleeping on the living room couch. I will not let the lull of infomercials carry me in and out of dreams.

My friends will get married, and I’ll attend their weddings without a date. I won’t lament attending weddings without a plus one. There will always be one good-looking bachelor, slated to be my partner in flirtation for the duration of the reception. We’ll both know how to slow dance. I won’t feel clumsy or out of place.

I’ll live alone, maybe. I will learn the correct way to paint a room. I’ll own a tool kit. I’ll never spend the day just existing, just doing nothing but breathing in and out and flipping through channels. There will be too much to accomplish. I won’t waste a Saturday. I won’t meet friends for brunch and find myself closing down a bar eight hours later. I’ll go to the Farmer’s Market before that happens – or the flea market, or the supermarket. I will have an income that will allow me to knock out all three in one weekend, if that’s what I want.

I will always have friends in my city. If one of them calls me up and asks me to come shopping or get a pedicure, I won’t have to turn them away. I will always have plans for the holidays. My parents will always send me a gift on Valentine’s Day with a card reminding me that they’re, collectively, my first Valentine(s). This will happen regardless of my romantic status, how old they get, how old I get.

I won’t remember what it feels like to have a broken heart. I will stop caring about the people I could not be with when I was younger. I will not wonder what they’re doing or feel empty when I hear that they’ve succeeded in building a life without me. I won’t “check in” or sob over photographs of them living new lives. I will fall in love, one final time. My parents will like him. We’ll take road trips to nowhere and dusk will be our favorite time of day.

Someday, skinny jeans and towering heels will go into storage for nine months. My closet space, once reserved for plunging tops and backless somethings, will belong to empire dresses and pants with elastic waistbands. I’ll be bloated and sore and fatter than ever, but everyone will say I’m “glowing” and I’ll accept it. My breasts will blow up, engorged with mother’s milk. I’ll give birth, and I won’t be mortified/amused by what excrement my child causes to escape/ is wearing all over its veiny, bloody little body. I’ll breastfeed myself down to a size 4; motherhood and stress and a boozeless 270 days will whittle my figure down to something it never was before. I will never wince at cellulite again.

I will pay off my student loan debt before I die. Eventually, I will stop thinking about how my monthly payment could’ve been better spent. I will be able to afford to go on trips that aren’t work related or paid for by someone else. I’ll be free from worry, from dread about the future. I will make a living. I will have an IRA. I will have CDs. I will invest in gold. I will have health insurance. I will have life insurance, because someday, other people will depend on me.

If I had to guess, I’ll live for another 60 years. I will grow wiser, more graceful. I will never hurt someone I love. I won’t die suddenly or tragically. It will become what other people expect of me; every passing year brings me closer to my temporary home at the crematorium. I’ll be sprinkled on a windy day, somewhere insignificant. My ashes will fly back into the face of the person releasing them, burning their eyes and affixing to their tongue like bitter, grey snowflakes. They’ll feel both scarred and grateful to have a funeral story to repeat at family dinners and after-work engagements. My final gift to the world. TC mark

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  • http://twitter.com/jessdutschmann Jess Dutschmann

    I'd be okay with this, I think.

  • Kelsey

    i was listening to this song while reading this:

    it's also raining where i am, and i woke up in a weird mood in the first place. anyway, this is all perfect.

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      Just listened twice in a row. It's raining here, too.

  • xp84

    I really liked this.

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      Thank you!

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    how will the living couch feel when you no longer sleep on it? do living couches have emotions?

    jw

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      In reality I will probably die sleeping on my couch.

  • federico

    planning on death before any of this shit happens

  • http://zuungols.myminicity.com/tra cinnarose

    Speaking from the other side of 30, a lot of this shit is overrated. I enjoyed the writing, but being an “adult” isn't much fun. Stay in school forever and you never have to pay back those loans!

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      Too late! I will die before I pay back my loans, I think.

      • http://zuungols.myminicity.com/tra cinnarose

        You and many, many others. It's unfortunate that a college education is being priced out of the reach of “middle class” people (whatever middle class means today!)

        I highly recommend the eye cream, it does pay off. I did enjoy your piece, very well written.

      • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

        Thank you, thanks for reading.

        I've come to terms with how predatory banks and universities are. Everything about higher education is corrupt. I just hope my generation takes issue with how things operate, so that our hypothetical children are at least educated (at the tender age of 17) on what they're sacrificing and/or how to attend (or not attend) college without signing their life away.

  • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

    Makes me want to be doing something wicked amazing when I die, like rescuing a weird Brooklynite from a horrific weekend of PBR and Netflix when suddenly eaten by a grizzly escaped from the zoo. Or something equally badass.

  • carohwash

    so much beauty and truth in your writing – love this.

  • Will Tower

    Rainy day gotcha down?

  • ghostboy2112

    Beautiful piece, Ms. Georgopulos! Makes me appreciate the quasi free higher education here in Belgium!

    • Lol

      do you faggots ever talk about anything else?

      your country is like the size of Rhode Island

      no one cares about your free healthcare and college education

      • ghostboy2112

        Actually, “LOL”, Belgium is 7,5 times the size of Rhode Island. And if you were to live in a country that had free healthcare and education, I'm pretty sure you would be intellectually capable to form a more poignant and coherent rebuttal.

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    this is really great.

    you've become the writer i most look forward to reading on here.

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      Wow, thanks Kyle. I really appreciate that!

  • GIRL

    It's beautiful that you want this… I just… don't.

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      Hi, thanks for reading/commenting. I don't know this is what I want (or what I want in general), I think its what I don't believe I'm capable of achieving, I guess? I'll probably be one of those blue haired old ladies that snacks on pills at the diner.

  • http://www.calvinmarkus.com peter

    cool title

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Optimistic! This may actually be self-prophesizing for you. Hope it works out :-) I enjoyed.

  • http://profiles.google.com/emil.rivera Emil Rivera

    i wish i could really cry, this is so beautiful it deserves it.

  • http://twitter.com/LulabelleNiche Gabrielle Bodek

    I can really relate to this, thank you.

  • wambulance

    This is beautifully honest and relatable. Loved it.

  • JonQ288

    This is great!

  • Dan

    don't plan your life too much sis you could get hit by a car tomorrow.

    • Lol

      the mantra of the loser

  • xmkdz

    is this a joke about how women only care about shopping, looks, and their conquests?

    stopped reading after 2 paragraphs cause I got the feeling it was serious

    • ahclevergirl

      yes. thats exactly what its about.

    • Brandon

      uh oh a woman on the internet 'admits' to liking something stereotypically feminine…

      better go get her….

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      omg bro you totally get it

  • http://twitter.com/mzabinsky Meaghan Zabinsky

    LOVED this.

  • http://twitter.com/LadyBlueShame Lady Blue ✔ VERIFIED

    This was kind of boring but at least it flowed.

  • http://ydek.tumblr.com joecastagna

    So apparently this person aspires to be Boring as all hell, make enough money to kinda do thinks they sorta like and go to bed early.

    Regardless if the Mrs here ever expects to get laid again they better re think the future here because I'm sure as hell not going to be sleeping with them. I guess some other slag will tough so who gives a shit regardless.

  • Jazz

    mmmmmh settling

  • http://profiles.google.com/hauptma2 Cory Hauptman

    telling and poignant though a little self deprecating, a little mix of artsy and realism with a dash of humility… but who the hell am i to judge? i'm just some random internet junkie who stumbled upon this blog from a gizmodo repost… well done btw! (yea… i used btw)

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