The MySpace Friends Everyone Had
Tom: Tom kind of just injected himself into your life. Remember when you were younger and your parents would take you to a BBQ that their oldest friends were throwing, and all the kids at the BBQ would ante up? And there was always one unsightly kid there who was like “Me too!” and your parents told you to be nice, so you were like “Meh, okay :/”? Tom.
Skinny Tattoo Girl: Skinny tattoo girl was the friend-of-a-friend from Smalltown, USA. She’ll live at home with her parents well into her twenties; but during the MySpace years you were inclined to believe this skinny bitch was destined for greatness. So vied after was her faux friendship that she kept two accounts – a “MySpace persona” page and a “This is the real me” page; which she kept private. You were friends with the former. Skinny tattoo girl never took her own picture. She did not rely on MySpace angles. She posed alone in all of her photos; riding some abandoned carousel or standing on a grassy knoll or gyrating on a muddy sports car. She’s a runner and a vegan – her body is her artfully decorated temple. You never knew a vegan in real life. You were friends with her merely to admire her abs. All of your dude friends were MySpace friends with her, too, but that was because they wanted to fuck her.
ForBiddeN: ForBiddeN appeared on pretty much every Top 8 ever as a result of being an early MySpace adopter. She was an ex-cosmetologist with huge tits that were usually showcased in a skintight wifebeater. She wore her hair two-toned: bleach-blonde on top with black hairs peeking out from beneath. A difficult look to pull off, but I think we’d all agree that she did, indeed. Among other endeavors, ForBiddeN used her MySpace whoredom to sling dog tags with her photo on them, peddle a signature perfume, and hawk subscriptions to her members only website – with eXcLuSiVe pHoTos! You were only friends with her because you assumed that her following meant something; now you realize that “something” was just that she was a hot blonde with big boobs. Whatever. That bitch could rock 40 pounds of makeup like no other.
Androgynous Bi: You met Androgynous Bi IRL, but they became rather elusive after your first encounter – at least, offline. You met at the bar or at a party or on the sidewalk and these were the days when only the hippest of adolescents used MySpace, so the two of you were obviously soul mates. You began an online relationship in which you fawned over one another excessively, but neither of you ever mustered up the give-a-fuck to spend time together in the real world. You didn’t necessarily want to hook up with them, but then again, maybe. AB made sexuality seem alt rock. AB made drinking coffee seem like shooting heroin. They never customized their profile layout. They never chose a profile song. Their self-summary read like an e.e. cummings poem. Normally, you’d find this behavior outrageously pretentious – normally. Except for when AB did it.
Tila Tequila: Tila Tequila began her career as an internet superwhore on Friendster; but when her profile page became OMG SO POPULAR, they suspended her account. She was then vetted by Tom himself to become a founding member of MySpace. Like ForBiddeN, Tila’s T&A blessed the Top 8 of many a profile. Unlike ForBiddeN, Tila made the fatal mistake of attempting to “crossover” to television; starring in A Shot at Love, a reality show in which a barely-dressed internet flame-out dated an endless parade of walking, talking tribal tattoos. And there was probably that one rich dude wearing a suit, as is expected on any “looking for poon I mean love” reality TV show. She dated him, too. Eventually the internet was like, “This is too weird, even for us,” and also, “We’re not 19 so we don’t drink Tequila anymore SORRY,” and her famewhore flame flickered no more.
The Extroverted Introvert: This person was always showing off their piercings, their dog, their car, their tattoos, their boyfriend, their sparkle .gifs, their nails, their MySpace angles, their EVERYTHING. They would blog their faces off, and at the end of every blog post was an emoticon with the corresponding emotion: “Ecstatic :D.” Also, in case you were wondering, they are now reading Bleak House by Charles Dickens, listening to Sugar We’re Goin’ Down Swinging by Fall Out Boy, eating an apple, and wearing footsie pajamas. Their profile song changed every Tuesday. Their profile picture was of them giving the finger or of their freshly dyed hair or of them sticking their tongue out while wearing a baby doll tee. Then you’d run into them offline at the mall and they’d be walking around with their mom. You’d say, “Hey! How’s it goin’?” and they’d look at you all bashful-like as though they can’t believe you’re willing to acknowledge them in public. “hi,” they’d say, “just picking up some stuff for my dorm with my mom. um.” And sensing their discomfort, you’d smile quizzically and say, “Okay..? See ya?” When you do see her next, it’s in a new profile picture showing off her newly purchased conductor hat and her newly stretched 00 gaged earlobes.
Your Friend’s Band: Mostly, you were friends with your friend’s band because the bandmates thought that personal profiles were decidedly uncool and after all, they’re a band, so their identity is one now. As such, you never knew who exactly left those obscene comments on your profile pictures or who was responding to the messages you sent. Guess that was the point. Mysterious and band-like!
Jeffree Star: Jeffree Star may have very well been someone’s AB once upon a time; but at the peak of his MySpace fame he more closely resembled the Barbie’s World equivalent of Marilyn Manson. His pink hair and glittery persona was all Babs, but the “I removed my bottom ribs to perform oral sex on myself” look was totally Marilyn. In truth, Jeffree Star was actually pretty fab. He toured with Peaches and Cyndi Lauper, and his debut album Plastic Surgery Slumber Party topped iTune’s dance charts for an unreasonably long period of time. So, not bad for a MySpace fameball.