Despite stirring up the deeply rooted notion that I would never have as much fun as blonds do, I’ve always had a soft-spot for the dearly departed John Ritter. A valuable lesson I learned from him was to make some rules and make ’em known, because you never know when you might suffer from aortic dissection mid-season, leaving the rest of your TV family in the care of your caraaaazzzzyyy nephew, whose only rule is “get laid by any means necessary.” That being said, I’ve set aside seven rules for my single-for-now roommate and her future ex-boyfriend.
1. What happens in the apartment stays in the apartment: Period. I don’t need to be specific; anything that you witness in the apartment is sacred. This includes: any discussion of our cat, any guests we may entertain, and what I look like in the morning.
2. Have your own place/room: This doesn’t have to do with the standards I hold my roommates’ potential mate to. I could care less about what you bring to the table or who is paying for dinner when the two of you go out. This rule is in place to address the inevitable should you not have your own place: you will be at our place. Cool once in a while, but my apartment should not be your safe haven away from your parents. It’s just too damn small for a third roomie. Unless of course, you plan on paying rent. If that is the situation, mi casa es su casa, brother! Welcome.
3. Do not take a shit in my bathroom before I have showered for work: Common decency, man. My friend may not mind your beef, but I do. I really, really do. Just remember at all times that I am not the one dating you.
4. No sports, ever: I’m not paying the cable bill every month so that you can watch March Madness. If you MUST watch a game, stay home! Go to a sports bar. Just don’t come here. Pussy runs this remote, not dick. When I come over to your house and throw on Sex and the City: Season 4 because it’s been one of those days… well, then we’ll talk.
5. Be game for impromptu drinking and other activities: I need someone like you, dear friend, to be the tie-breaker on pressing roommate matters such as: Should we drink right now? Should we go to White Castle? Should we stay up until 6 AM? The answer is always yes, by the way.
6. If I’m single, enthusiastically set me up with your friends: At best, you’ll keep me occupied and therefore more lenient when it comes to these rules, and at worst we’ll have something to laugh about in the future.
7. If you need to fight, take it outside: Just because you two aren’t getting along, that doesn’t give you free reign over the house. Fighting makes me feel awkward. Go outside and fight out in the open, where only you guys and the general public will feel awkward. Thanks.
Follow these rules, and we can all live lovingly with one another forever. Until of course, I get married, my roommate takes a job in Hawaii, and you move in with your new girlfriend and focus on your restaurant. Three’s A Crowd, after all.