“We” Complex. The deadly overnight merger of two independently functioning individuals into a single vomit-inducing life form, known as “We.” “We” never disagrees on anything. “We” talks in unison. “We” responds to all questions addressed to “you,” “he,” “she,” or “(insert name here).” “We” can’t make it to your birthday party. “We” loves that new Mediterranean restaurant down the street. “We” takes recycling and veganism very seriously. There is no cure for “We,” so it’s best left unmentioned. Those suffering from the “We” complex will not understand sarcastic commentary or mockery regarding their condition.
Phantom Social Life Syndrome. Much like when someone loses a limb in a serious accident but thinks the entire body part is still there; couples try to pretend they still have their single social life even while they are in a finish-each-other’s-sentences committed relationship. For example, Susie and Jessica used to always go for a walk in the park on Sunday afternoons. Now, Jessica brings Brad along on their walks. The couple holds hands, makes out mid-step and tries their best to listen to Susie’s stories about last night’s one-night stand without showing disgust. Without prompting, the couple suggests they set Susie up with a friend of theirs and then mentions they have to end the walk early to go shopping for a new espresso machine at a chain home goods store for the upwardly mobile. Susie heads home, after stopping at a fast food restaurant for the most calorie-laden solution to ease her pain. Sadly, singles often endure the brunt of the suffering and side effects from this relationship ailment.
Calendar Complex. The compulsive need to plan out all details of a relationship and a couple’s future together, ranging in scale from Netflix selections to which part of Florida they want to retire to.
For single friends, reserving time with coupled-up friends is like trying to get a table at a trendy West Village restaurant after it received three stars from Sifton. Coupled friends that, once upon a time, never had any clue about their plans for the night suddenly have weekend trips to see the in-laws, family weddings in Maine and “alone” time taking up every single little box in their day planner.
If you ask really, really nicely, they will miraculously schedule you in for a coffee date… at 3:45 PM on a Wednesday. That screams fun, memory-making friend time right? More like 30 minutes of “What did you do last weekend? What are you doing this weekend? How’s your job and oh that guy…what’s his name, that you slept with? Oh, don’t worry you’ll find someone. It always happens when you least expect it.”
Lover’s Amnesia. Couples are known to forget basic information and identifiers almost immediately as they enter into a relationship. For instance, couples report being unable to remember each other’s names altogether. To reconcile this problem, they are forced to refer to one another as “babe,” “baby,” or “honey.” Couples are shameless about their memory loss, often using these name substitutions multiple times in one sentence while prolonging the pronunciation of the word by dragging out each syllable. For example: “Baaaaaaabe, put the Mob Wives season finale back on babeeeee!”
In serious cases, couples can experience complete memory loss of their pre-relationship life. It is painful and nearly unimaginable for them to think of getting through their day-to-day life as a single person. Could someone possibly function if they are so… dare I say it… alone? Preposterous!