I remember the call. It was the worst call to receive. You were hysterical and I heard your heart break with every unintelligible word.
I made you repeat yourself, and I’m sorry for that. I made you relive the experience with every word until I finally got the message—you had been raped.
I wanted it to be a sick joke or a disturbing nightmare. But it was as real as it could be. He broke you. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.
It’s hard being the best friend of someone who endured the most savage manipulation of a beautiful human act. I feel every emotion as if it were my own; I own every experience too.
But I would never wish to feel this pain again, and I sure as hell will never again let you feel this broken.
Even though it was not your first time, this monster took something from you. He took your hope; he dimmed your light. He took your raw belief in love and your respect for the physical poof of that bond. He stole your smile and your sweet thoughts, and instead left you with bruises on your wrists and scars on your memory.
So what do I do now? I let you cry it out. I offer to kill him. I tell you to see someone expertly trained, someone that can give better direction than me.
I tell you to see a doctor and assess your health.
But you are not yet ready to be touched by another person, and that’s ok.
I tell you to go and report this monster who broke you to the police.
But you do not wish to recreate the experience through your words, and that’s ok.
I offer you the names of professionals who can ease your mind and teach you how to cope, how to salvage your wings.
But you aren’t quite ready yet, and that’s ok.
What do I do? I can’t turn back time, and no matter how hard I pray, I cannot undue this.
So, I hold you. I let you go through the stages of fear, grief, anger. I try to stay positive and assure you it will all be ok, even when I’m not so sure myself.
I tell you I love you a million times, because that’s all I can do. I can only show you that it’s possible to love without pain because that’s what you need right now.
It will be ok, you’re too powerful for it not to be. You are my best friend, after all. Every day you are stronger than the one before, and that’s incredible progress.
I know you will soon seek help from someone more qualified than me, and I know that you will talk solely to them about the vicious encounter. I won’t be upset; I understand it would be too painful to taste the bitter experience on your tongue again.
I will check on your healing, but I won’t let this define you. I’ll remind you that flowers bloom in spring even after the harshest winters and that they are more beautiful because of it. I’ll take you shopping and hiking. And when you’re ready to allow another visitor to your body, I will do everything in my power to make sure he is a respectful and gentle guest.
I will be there for you in every way I know how. I will take on any role you need me to be- distractor, listener, caretaker. I will be the happiest when you smile and the proudest when you are ready to open your heart up to love once more.
Take your time. Heal. Grow. Thrive. Don’t let him steal any more from you than he already has.
Remember that I love you, and remember that it will be ok, even if it’s not ok just yet.