An Open Letter To The Future Husband I Can’t Stop Thinking About

Dear future husband,

Marriage was never something I thought about too often. My parents were divorced since before I can remember and growing up it seemed to me that divorced parents were just more commonplace than the married ones. I never realized how much that experience actually affected me until I started having serious relationships of my own. In my mind there was no hope for the long term, nothing I could do to prevent some sort of downfall in the long run. I did everything I could to ensure the success of any relationship I had, but some things are just inevitable. So I went on thinking that one failed relationship meant all others, at some point in time, would indefinitely fail and that was just the nature of the game and nothing could be done. That fear and resignation unquestionably followed me everywhere I went and I began to appreciate what my mindset had now become. If I was fully aware at all times that nothing would last forever then it would hurt less whenever something ended. I could shield myself from whatever subsequent pain a break up created because I knew lifetime commitments were simply fairytale idealisms that didn’t exist anymore. And I thought I could go on forever thinking this way with no consequence, but then I met you.

You grew up valuing the tradition of marriage. Your parents have been together for over 20 years and that has made you see the importance of working through everything together. You’ve stressed to me that successful marriages are possible if both people commit to making the effort. You’re a believer and ever since we met you’ve fought to disprove any negative thoughts I had on any number of subjects. I don’t know how you do it. When I think the worst of the world, you think of the ways you can change it, when I think there’s nothing to be done, you find solutions to the problem and when I thought that I would never want to get married, you proposed to me.

Now at 23 and 24, people might say we’re “too young” to get married. They could say we have a lot more to experience and a lot more to see, but who better to experience it all with than with you? Who better to travel with than you? Who better to learn more about life with and go through the ups and downs with than you? When I look down at the ring that now graces my left hand, I realize that it symbolizes so much more than the commitment we are about to make, it symbolizes all the things we want together. Most importantly, it represents us as individuals choosing to go on this journey together.

Honestly, I’m scared of the road ahead. If I was afraid of losing you before, I’m even more afraid of losing you now. Looking at you and knowing that I will wake up to you every day for the rest of my life is probably the most beautiful and terrifying feeling in the world. But it’s terrifying only because the idea of not waking up by your side is just that much more painful.

As my future husband I think you should know that I’m flawed. I’m pessimistic in nature and I’m insecure all the time. I am easily frustrated and sometimes I get depressed for no reason at all. I don’t have much money and I have too much student loan debt for my liking. I’m independent, but sometimes I need help and I wont admit it. I get too caught up in the little things and often forget about the big picture. Crying is my response to any positive or negative emotion. I’m possessive and I have a temper and most of the time I’m stubborn as hell.

But you already knew all of that.

You know all of this and still think I’m incredible. You think I have so much to offer and you support me endlessly. You want the best for me even when I think I don’t deserve it. You have more faith in me than I have in myself. Being around you makes me a better version of myself and I think that’s the best thing one human being can do for another. So as my future husband please know that I’m invested. I’m committed and excited and afraid. I want to be your best friend, your biggest supporter and your partner at all times.
That is what you are for me and that is what I hope to always be for you.

Before this I always thought people were crazy to get married in their early 20s. I thought, like many others probably do, that it could never work. I thought love was too fickle and unpredictable. “You never know what could happen,” I would say, but now I know that’s the best part. So here’s to many unknowns with you, may the journey bring us to incredible places and may it last a lifetime.

Sincerely,
Your future wife.