Where to start? I think it’s safe to say that most women have faked an orgasm or two. I know some women who fake all of their orgasms. We’re all pretty great actors in the end. Remember that scene in When Harry met Sally? Yeah, that. Women don’t often have proof that they have orgasmed. There may be no trace of the event! No goopy liquids and no visible signs of “coming down” from climax. Who could blame a woman for faking orgasms? Certainly not me.
This article is not in attempt to shame women. Not at all. There are very valid and justified reasons to fake orgasms. The following are just common reasons as to why we might, and hopefully this will help to initiate a safe and positive conversation between you and your sex partner.
1. Heterowomen – especially upon first hooking up with a guy – are very concerned about pleasing him.
So much so that we aren’t even thinking very much about ourselves. Sadly, above all, we want to ensure that he ejaculates. It reassures us that we have been successful (I mean, it’s bizarre to even say this). If he ejaculates, we have won. We did it. Oh wait, we didn’t orgasm.
2. It often takes us some time to share what really gets us going.
We might need to feel truly secure in the relationship, and feel that our partner is open to hearing about our desires and fantasies before we are ableto cum. Maybe we’re really into using a dildo in foreplay, or really pumped when we get to wear masks. Maybe we want to get on top and rub ourselves against you in a very particular way. Whatever the case, be patient and understanding with us. We’re getting to know you!
3. Sometimes sex is painful for women.
I’ve heard many women say that sex is painful when they are close to their period, or on their period. For some, sex is painful all the time. Birth control pills can make the lining in our vaginas thinner and more sensitive too. It could be because we have endometriosis or ovarian cysts. Some of us have experienced sexual trauma as well. We might not be able to cum as easily or in as many positions as we’d like to. Again, this is worth discussing if your sex partner is comfortable in sharing.
4. Women can feel vulnerable (as can men) in expressing their orgasm.
We can become seriously sweaty like just ran a marathon sweaty. We might make somewhat disturbing faces or even worse, we might let out a little toot or queef! Sex is vulnerable. You just really can’t be sure what is going to happen when you relax and release. Perhaps one time you had let out some pee, and that was awful or embarrassing for you. Our bodies are unpredictable little empires and that’s pretty great if you can see it in the right light.
5. Lots of women don’t know how to orgasm during sex.
Not because they’re stupid or haven’t thought enough about it, but because it’s never happened and they’ve tried lots of different things. Did you know antidepressants and other medications make it very difficult to cum? Like, nearly impossible. I know women who report only orgasming at the gym, in their sleep or while laughing really hard. There are so many ways of being! Women who can’t orgasm during sex often are frustrated by it, and might be more into sex because it feels good in other ways. You know, nipples and stuff. Nipples are fun. It feels great to be intimate and close to someone special.
Ladyfriends, masterbate! If that’s something you’re open to trying more often, it can be a wonderful way to figure out what makes you cum. A friend of mine use to call it “Metime” and I love that so much. Giving pleasure to yourself is incredibly empowering. Try lots of different things. Use toys? Use lube? Lay on your belly? Lay on your back? Try the corner of a table? Make sounds. There is nothing wrong with you. And there is nothing wrong with faking orgasms. Do what’s right for your body in your relationships.