Back in 2010, the New York Times printed a small piece on edible beauty products, highlighting such odd concoctions as Nutra Resveratrol Anti-Ageing Water and, even more disturbing, a coffee in Singapore that contains collagen, and which is meant to improve the skin. In Japan, they even add collagen to yogurt drinks, dried fruits and other foods. It seems like a weird way to go in order to simultaneously satisfy your beauty and your caffeine fix. Then again, we’ve seen worse.
No. We’re not talking facials of the post-sexual climax sort, though spermine facials do exist. In fact, some women fork over as much as $250 for this particular spa treatment, which is meant to diminish wrinkles and smooth skin. What else are we dousing our faces in?
Human placenta (used as a hydrating treatment, and costing an average of $500), snail secretion (the goop apparently blocks out environmental pollution, and also has rejuvenating qualities) and bird poop (nightingale excretion, actually; it’s said to be rich in the amino acid guanine, which brightens and cleanses skin).
2. Snake Massages.
We’re almost willing to smear bird poop across our faces if it means we won’t get snakes thrown onto our bare backs. In Israel, spa proprietress Ada Barak came up with the idea for snake massages. Basically, she placed a mass of entwined snakes onto her customers’ backs, letting the feeling of the snakes’ movement against the skin calm them.
And by “them,” we mean her apparently-out-of-their-minds-brave customers. We’d be anything but calm.
3. Fish Pedicures.
People across the nation were immediately disgusted when Sherri Shepherd got a fish pedicure on a July 2008 episode of The View. What’s a fish pedicure? It’s an unconventional beauty treatment in which a group of small garra rufa fish, a type of carp, help exfoliate the feet by feeding on the dead, flaking skin (we just puked in our mouths a little).
Since news of the treatment first swept across a variety of media channels, several states and animal rights groups have sought to ban them.
4. Booty Surgery.
We’ve written about beauty queen Solange Magnano’s unfortunate demise resulting from, of all things, a butt lift. Apparently, the liquid injected into Miss Magnano’s behind traveled to her lungs and brain, causing respiratory failure. As if we didn’t already need a reason to stick with the butt that God gave us, this sad, sordid tale clinches things for us.
Do you know what’s uncomfortably close to our labia? The clitoris, the most sensitive of women’s erogenous zones. And if that gets nicked, we’re screwed. But that’s not the only reason we wouldn’t seek out surgery to beautify our vag. To be honest, the insinuation that our labia are too large gets us all in a huff. Because you know what? The male sexual organ ain’t the prettiest thing either.
6. Honorable Mention: Hair Extensions.
I know that, as an alternative beauty treatment, hair extensions don’t hold a candle to things like fish pedicures and bird poop facials but we just had to weigh in.
Basically, we think hair extensions look pretty hot, but we also saw that episode of America’s Next Top Model, where one of the models sat eight hours getting her extensions put in, only to keep crying from the pain. Is the look worth it? We don’t think so.