1. You suffered through braces for four years just to wake up every morning with retainer breath that can scare any living creature away. But your dirty-mouth-clean-it-up-with-Orbit smile has landed you a cutie that you don’t want to scare away in the AM. How do you win this battle? Get your hands on a pretty little retainer that prevents morning breath.
2. Having pregnant girl cravings at 2 in the morning, but your local grocery store, sushi restaurant, and bakery are all closed? It’s all good in the hood, because you can dial 1(800)- I-WANT-MAD-FOOD, and they will deliver any kind of food at any time of day to fulfill all of your gastronomic needs.
3. It’s a cold winter’s night. You’re on the couch watching Cheaper By The Dozen 2 in your cheetah print Snuggie, with chicken noodle soup and a soda on the side. “I want to burn my tongue,” said no one ever. Believe it or not, there can be a solution to this first world dilemma: a microwave that cools your food down when you want to munch ASAP.
4. Have bags under your eyes? Feel like you’re just living life, going through the motions, but not truly experiencing anything? Call your doctor and schedule an appointment to get a shot that allows you to catch up on all of the sleep you’ve ever been deprived of.
5. Whoever said “diamonds are a girl’s best friend” had it all wrong — it’s raw cookie dough. I’m sick and tired of digging for the little dough balls at the bottom of my pint of ice cream. So holla at Häagen-Dazs to make chocolate chip cookie dough with extra dough ice cream.
6. Are you finally trying to prove to your friend, once and for all, that you’ve caught her in a lie? Are you trying to get over a breakup, but remembering the past way better than it actually was? What you need is a holographic tape recorder that replays what really happened, because any discrepancies of the past are no bueno.
7. Anyone who has ever said, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has obviously never had spinach dip. Snacks are fun — that is, until you want to lose the freshman 15 you’ve had since you hit puberty. No need to fear, a chip in your brain that lets you know whether you’re eating because you’re hungry or whether you’re eating because you’re bored, is here.
8. Congrats, you’ve officially grown out your long, luscious locks. You want to shower before your wild night out, but don’t want to inconvenience everyone by making them wait until you are done blow-drying your hair. Well, why not dry your hair with a special blow dryer that gets the job done in under a minute?!
9. Payday > Saturday night ≥ Friday night. Can’t seem to find any words to express this simple equation/emotion? Duh, that’s why we need an emoji that has dollar signs as eyes.
10. Hello Sunoco, you don’t know this yet, but you can be a gas station trendsetter, and all of your customers don’t have to get frostbite during the winter. Here’s the secret…They won’t even have to get out of their car in the cold- just pull up real close, and let this automatic gas pump do its magic.
11. It’s been a long, stressful day at school. Not only did your part-time retail job use your call-in, but you also had to close shop. Your sister doesn’t know all of this, and she’s going to be pissed when you’re not the first one to send her a ‘Happy 16th birthday’ text. Whether or not you are awake is irrelevant, as long as you have an app that allows you to type out a text and set a specific time, so that it will send automatically.
12. Ladies, I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been feeling reaaaaal sketchy when I’m sitting on the toilet seat in a public restroom, completely naked, because I had to pee while I was wearing a romper. Oh, if only we could find a romper that has a secret flap…
13. Ever find yourself frustrated when you can’t think of the name of that song you want to hear? Don’t want to dig through your pocket on a crowded subway, just to take out your iPod to go to the next song? Apple, all I’m asking is that you get working on an iPod that reads my mind and plays the song I’m thinking of.