Screw psychologists’ advice of looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you’re beautiful. Forget about listing all of your special qualities that make you the ideal friend. Stop pretending that hitting the gym two days in a row will equate to you becoming the self-esteem queen. If you want to feel better about yourself, take a new, slightly unusual approach.
1. Look yourself up on Urban Dictionary.
Did you wake up feeling like you’re as heavy as a woman who’s 8 months pregnant? It happens. Just type your name into Urbandictionary.com and you’ll read how sexy, intelligent, and happy-go-lucky you are. If you can’t trust Urban Dictionary, then really, who can you trust?
2. Search for sleaze balls.
Sometimes your self-esteem is jusssssst low enough that a nice cat-call from a man who’s probably old enough to be your father can help! Walk past a homeless shelter. Stroll past a club. Skip into the deli of a sketchy gas station. You may learn your friendly neighborhood pedophile thinks you have the body of a goddess and the face of an angel.
3. Sweatpants, hair tied, chillin’ with no makeup on.
Have you ever seen your ex out in public, looking exponentially cleaner than you’ve appeared to be in the past 6 months? Haha, me too! No worries because you, my friend, are rocking the homeless girl chic look. So many individuals yearn to be the one that cares less. There’s nothing that says, “I couldn’t care less” more than looking confident while wearing grey on grey, and socks with your Adidas flip-flops.
4. Hit up your local psychic.
Ever look in the mirror and realize you have a pimple smack in the middle of your eyebrows? One that kind of resembles a Bindi? Same. This is sign from a higher power telling you it’s time to get your palm read. Cough up $10, sit back, and allow a gifted stranger to tell you how your positive outlook on life will bring you great monetary success in the near future.
5. Re-read an old text conversation.
Why delete text messages when you send things like: “Is it weird that watching 12 Years A Slave makes me want to make out with you?” Go back and allow yourself to reminisce on a relationship you had where you were the HBIC. Remember what it felt like to have someone fawn over you.
6. Give up and give in.
“Get dressed, let’s go out!” says the friend who wants to get laid…but that’s not on your subconscious agenda tonight. You know what is on your agenda? Raw cookie dough, Ben & Jerry’s, some 3 am Dominos, and a movie that’s going to make you cry like the first time you watched Marley & Me. And this is perfectly okay sometimes! Give up the false hope that going out and receiving attention from whatever sex you’re interested in is going to make you feel better long-term, and give in to all of your short-term cravings. Just spend the night in, and rock out with your cock out or jam out with your clam out. You do you.
7. Dig up your old science fair project.
Remember the good ol’ days before you got to seventh grade integrated algebra? Your prepubescent years where you believed you were going to be valedictorian, and attend Harvard Law School? Look in your basement to find that award-winning trifold board you designed about plant growth or electricity. Soak all that perfection in, because someone may be paying big money one day to own one of your precious artifacts.
8. Create a Tinder.
When eHarmony procreated with Chat Roulette, our generation’s socially acceptable form of Internet matchmaking was born. Make a Tinder, upload three attractive photos of yourself (the one’s that look nothing like you, but you know you love) and just ‘yes’ everyone. Let the compliments and good times roll.
9. Embrace your inner Facebook creep.
Most people Facebook stalk the person they like, someone they look up to, someone they wish to be, yada yada yada. If you’re on a streak of hating yourself, you need to do the complete opposite — creep on someone who you absolutely abhor. You can’t stand the girl who finds it necessary to upload seven albums of selfies. You detest the boy who peer reviewed your essay, and the only comment he wrote was, “this is cliché.” You despise your old camp counselor who didn’t choose you as her favorite camper. There’s something beautiful that lies in hatred, and that is the realization that you are not the person you hate.
10. Home is where the pants are not.
If you can’t accept yourself with your clothes off, you certainly can’t fully accept yourself with clothes on. Strip down to your birthday suit, lock the door, and see how long you can spend naked. You’d be surprised how you think and perceive thoughts in the nude, it’s like you’re being far more imitate with yourself when you’re not hiding beneath clothing. One time I watched Brokeback Mountain with no clothes on. It was an abstract experience, and when I think back to it, I remember that no matter where I am in life, I’m in a better place than I was at that moment.