1. Why are telling me your baby is 72 months old? She’s 6. Just say it.
2. The elderly woman sitting next to me on the train might have been hot back in her day.
3. I wonder if this person knows I saw their nudes before I met them.
4. I wonder if the people I’m walking past can hear Hannah Montana blasting through my headphones.
5. I know you’re never going to admit that you just peed in the ocean, but it suddenly got really warm around us. That’s okay though, because I secretly peed too.
6. Does my teacher know that less than 24 hours ago I was drunk and making out with a stranger?
7. I know I should think your dog is cute because we’re best friends, but I just know my dog is cuter.
8. I know I’m considered an adult, but every time I spell ‘banana’ I still have to sing ‘Hollaback Girl’ by Gwen Stefani. The same applies for the Oscar Meyer commercial with the spelling of ‘bologna.’
9. Have we come to a general consensus yet as to whether or not the Pussycat Dolls are saying “boobies” or “groupies” in their song ‘When I Grow Up?’ Just curious.
10. You hear that rap song playing on the radio right now? I watched a lyric video of that song on YouTube every night for a month before I went to bed… just so I would able to casually perform it at a time like this.
12. Will my iPod ever be able to read my mind and automatically surf the web to play whatever song I want to hear?
13. You may be watching Rachel McAdams kissing Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, but in my mind I’m kissing Ryan Gosling in the rain. And let me tell you, he’s loving every second of it.
14. If Meryl Streep and Jonah Hill gave me a chance, the three of us could have a great girl’s night in.
15. I know we’re all saying that the girl over there is a “slut,” but let’s be honest — she looks awesome and we wish we were her right now
16. I just wrote a 10 page research paper, but my teacher will never know I still have to Google things like: ‘affect vs. effect,’ and if ‘ice cream’ is one or two words.
17. Wouldn’t it be cool if I were the girl that made eating ribs on a first date look cute?!
18. When buying underwear, I always seek out cute options, yet I always end up favoring the one ugly pair I buy…
19. When will it be socially acceptable to have pull out beds at restaurants? By the time I get home to my own bed, I won’t be tired anymore. I want to fall asleep directly after I eat.
20. I wish there was one day during the year where we can eat whatever we want and not gain a single pound. Okay, maybe three days during the year. But I can manage to maintain self-control for the other 362 days.
21. I’m purposefully saving the last bit of my drink so you can see me walk in with a cup from Starbucks.
22. I didn’t see that movie, but I’m going to quote a really funny part of the trailer.
23. I hope 14 people hit on me tonight in front of the person I actually like.
24. I acknowledge that we’re planning to go out right now, but I wouldn’t mind if you randomly decided you’d rather stay in tonight and eat raw cookie dough in onesies.
25. Can’t wait to be tagged in all these photos on Facebook!!! I look like a fun time!!!
26. I’m pretending that I’m not fake laughing for this picture right now, but you’re doing it too, so imma’ keep rollin’ with it.
27. I wonder what it would feel like to be the most attractive person in the room right now… Wait, am I the most attractive person in the room right now?
28. I can’t wait for my first day of class…to scope out the seat next to the best looking individual.
29. Tell me to remember “there’s always someone who has it worse” when I’m in a bad place, one more time. I’m not ‘that someone’ who has it worse. I hope you know that I’m saying “okay” to shut you up, and now all I really want to do is force-feed you a sandwich full of quicksand.