This Is About Me, Not You

When we met, I knew all the right words to say but I never had the chance to do it. I was busy building my walls up because I was scared to feel something for you. It didn’t stop me from falling though, you said all the right words, you treated me like I was indeed special never knowing that it was just your usual charm that worked its way through me.

It didn’t even have to start, for you to end it abruptly; you ended it without a single thought because you were feeling indifferent already. You didn’t need a girl who is as needy and clingy as me at that time, you wanted someone who will understand your silence and your sadness. You pushed me away and I was only drawn more. I don’t want to let go and leave it just like that. You didn’t even give me a chance to say what I feel. You just stopped everything and we stopped communicating right there.

Years passed, and we both moved on with our lives. I still think about you and how have you been. Sometimes we crossed each other’s paths but never even stop to talk or give each other a smile. There was a feeling of bitterness or regret or just pure nonchalance.

I never wanted it to be that way. I want us to see each other and just smile, whatever it was that happened in the past should just stay there. I would send you messages telling you to grow up and act mature because what you were showing me is too much.

You caused me so much pain that I didn’t even fall in love again to anyone after you, afraid it would just be just like what I experienced with you. I struggled to open up to other guys and be friends with them because I can still remember how you ended our friendship without a single word.

It didn’t start the right way and it ended the most painful way but if I would have a chance to turn back time, I will still wish to meet you just the same. If only you understand how hurtful it was for a girl to be befriended, lead on, get her hopes up and left hanging in the end. Maybe you will never know.

You are in your happy place now and I deserve twice as much happiness that you are feeling.
I can’t be happy if I won’t forgive you.

It’s a vicious cycle of loving and hurting.

Forgiving but not forgetting.

I hope I can say I’m better now, and I hope you can understand that not everything is about you.

This one’s for you and this time is for me.