8 Items Of Clothing Not To Be Trusted

1. Baggy pants. There was a time when I preferred a man in pants so big I could get in there with him. It’s no coincidence that at the same time I wore hemp jewelry and thought 311 were the height of musical innovation. I like well fitting pants on a man these days; too-loose jeans indicate a severe allergy to maturity. Notice I said well fitting, not tight. Tight pants on a man indicate you are a fashion victim and wish to punish your balls for previous offenses.

2. Trench coats. People in trench coats are usually naked and just waiting to flash their scaly wieners at innocent young girls, or concealing numerous weapons that they will use to thoughtlessly mow down bystanders. I’ve never seen anyone normal looking in a trench coat, save for Inspector Gadget, and he was a goddamn robot to begin with.

3. Hooded sweatshirts. As illustrated by recent events, people in hooded sweatshirts should probably be shot on sight. Yeah sure, sometimes it’s only a teenager on his way to the store, but you really can’t take any chances. There could be a zombie under there, or maybe a trigger happy Charles Bronson devotee whose only job is taking it to the streets. If you don’t shoot first and ask questions never, many a window will be knocked on that night. And you don’t want that. That’s how Rome fell, I believe.

4. Fatigues worn during non-combat situations. Army green doesn’t conceal in the concrete jungle, moron.

5. Skin-tight sweat pants. I recently got the full view of some teenaged girl’s ass while she departed the stopped car in front of mine. Before you go all apesh-t, her ass was only appealing in the sense that it resembled a delicious Christmas ham. Had she gone up a size on her sweat pants I wouldn’t have this perverse anecdote.

6. Sunglasses. I’ll just defer to Hunter S. Thompson on this one:

“KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can’t find a rape victim.”

In other words, everyone in sunglasses is on drugs and in desperate need of a wash.

7. Bandannas. People who wear these are obviously in some kind of gang. They probably use them to mop up the blood spilled during one of their frequent liquor store smash and grabs/satanic sex orgies/initiation ceremonies, which I’m not supposed to talk about.

8. Fingerless gloves. They let everyone know that you mean business, as well as providing comfort in those times when your palms are freezing but your fingers are blistering hot. TC mark

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  • CONTACT

    This is in poor taste

    • Catherine Margaret Keehan

      Yeah…little bit.

  • guest

    wtf is wrong with you

  • http://twitter.com/kelseysuxxx Kelsey Dixon

    wow, the hooded sweatshirt comment. wow.

  • Nishant

    Another example of bad writing hiding behind a ‘satire’ tag.

  • Guest

    This is absolutely disgusting.

  • 802

    While other people’s opinions will clearly differ from my own, I liked this piece. It was short and concise, but the kind of stoner-rambling dark humor that I adore.   

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/LWRPGMOVVZBOC2EO6QA5DMTD6Q tim

      I’m with you on that. And ‘horrible on multiple levels’– wow, indeed. Hyperbole much?

  • Robbyking

    Wow, this is horrible on multiple levels.

  • Michaelwg

    “That’s how Rome fell, I believe.” YES!
    It’s one of my favorite things ever, when people take a social non-issue, inject it full of dire importance, and claim (without any historical context whatsoever) that that’s how Rome fell, i.e gay sex, hollywood immorality, hoodies, Harry Potter etc. No other factors at play, just gay sex = Rome burning. Ohh, chuckles.

  • thegreendoor

    This would be funny if it were consistent. Some of these are obviously true opinions, like wearing army green/camo in a city or wearing baggy pants. And other parts of this make it seem like you’re trying to make a point, like that there really is nothing wrong with wearing a hoodie because wearing a hoodie doesn’t mean you’re up to something and deserve to be shot on sight. If you’re going to write an article about how we shouldn’t make judgements on someone based on their clothing (for example, hoodies) then do it. If you want to write an article about clothing that we shouldn’t wear because it’s out of style or just creepy (like trench coats or sunglasses) then do it. But you can’t do both in one article. You end up making people think you really believe that anyone in a hoodie deserves to be shot. At least i hope you don’t really believe that. Does thought catalog have editors at all or do people just write things and ignore the typos and other various problems. Are any of you even writers?

    • Booboojamas

      Exactly. It’s inconsistent. Either be satire or be sincere. #1 and #4 are slightly funny (and clearly not satire). The others may be satirical, but they aren’t very funny. 

  • shameonwhoeverletthisgoup

    i have to agree with everyone else- this is one of the worst things i’ve read on thoughtcatalog… poorly written with offensive and racist content. If this is supposed to actually be satire (not just sarcasm with the occasional joke thrown in) you are doing it wrong.

  • jimmyd

    this must have been the most perfect satire article ever judging from the indignant idiots who posted their disgust with it hahaha get a life idiots!

  • Anonymous

    Uggs. I don’t trust girls in Uggs.

    • derp

      YES

  • Jjw314

    This is seriously fucked up. What were you thinking?

  • Anonymous

    I like this article because it gets people riled up and confused with it’s inconsistency. Also, whenever I think of gloves I think of Ryan Gosling in “Drive” so it’s a plus for me. 

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    disappointed in TC for publishing this.

  • style icon

    Being positive – I really like your other articles on thought catalog!

    • style icon

      Never mind, I clicked through to your blog and read your transphobic rants.  You’re just a bad person, oh well.  :(

  • http://molokovellocet.tumblr.com/ -w-

    “…people in hooded sweatshirts should probably be shot on sight. Yeah sure, sometimes it’s only a teenager on his way to the store, but you really can’t take any chances.” Could you refrain from flippant Trayvon Martin comments for, oh say, a few months or at least til George Zimmerman is arrested, you fucking idiot?! You made the same weird Charles Bronson joke on your blog which only prompted me to be like FLIPPANT WHITE BITCHES, HOLY SHIT

    • Guest

      YES. THANK YOU.  

      ” As illustrated by recent events, people in hooded sweatshirts should probably be shot on sight.” 

      Wtf.

      • Guest

        Yes. we know this girl is trying to be cool and sarcastic, but jesus. 

    • Yarrow

      Completely inappropriate and racist.   

    • Angel

      [read FLIPPANT WHITE BITCHES  and +liked]

  • James Brandt

    It was interesting article (edgy and all that) , but allow me to posit another reason for wearing a bandanna: you have cancer and chemotherapy has caused you to lose all your hair. 

  • http://molokovellocet.tumblr.com/ -w-

    Also, Hunter Thompson always wore sunglasses and I trust him infinitely. Just nitpicking because you’re a douchebag.

    • Raja

      best comment.

  • Not Chill

    I’m sorry, but this is terrible. I’m ashamed that TC would let this be posted.

    • derp

      RELAX BUDDY. it’s called sarcasm. Too bad you can’t take a joke

      • Anonymous

        ^Default response of FLIPPANT WHITE BITCHES (new favorite thing). Yes it’s so “hilarious” and “edgy” to make a completely non-nuanced joke based on a teenager getting murdered that doesn’t fit the tone of the article at all.

  • Ellipsis5

    Rubbish! Rehashed stereotyping–why bother?

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Well, Stacie, I’ve been reading the comments.  Time to take the Walk of Shame!

  • Winchesteracademy

    Holy cow, people.  This is neither disgusting nor horrible.  It’s just silly.  Relax.

  • Smh

    lemme guess…

    THIS IS SATIRE.

    smh i dream of the day when someone can write something on TC thats genuinely witty and not with the “sarcasm” of a 7th grader.

  • Verbro

    you’re an idiot, Stacie.

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