“Hi, this is Sean from Debt Collection Unlimited, or DCU. While you’re shooting daggers at your boyfriend for handing you the phone even though I asked for you by your full name, which should have been a tip-off that this call was of the nefarious, debt collecting nature, let me tell you how your life will change for the worse from here on out.
Remember that money you borrowed to major in film at a crappy college in the suburbs of the small city in which you live? Well, we’d reeeeeaaallly like you to pay that money back to us, like now, and if you’ll just snap up your checkbook I’ll explain the ways in which you will become DCU’s bottom for the next several years of your life.
Quick, what are the two scariest words in the English language? No, not ‘I’m pregnant’ or ‘It’s metastasized,’ although I’m sure you’ll be saying that in the future, given how much you drink. For you, overgrown child of 31, jobless, hopeless, penniless, the two worst words in the English language are ‘wage garnishment.’ That means my superior, Mr. Bill E. Moneybaggs, will personally nose through those paltry unemployment benefits you call a paycheck, still taxed of course, and at a lesser rate of pay than you earned at your previous job, and subtract what he sees fit.
That does sound awful, so what I’ll need from you is a strict guarantee, in the form of your bank account and routing number, that you will begin payment no later than thirty seconds from now. I’ll wait.
You have how much in your savings? Jesus H. Christ, what are you doing with yourself? Oh you’re a writer? Welll, that’ll keep you warm at night. Whatever happened to filmmaking? Of course I kid, did you say seven oh two? Just wanted to make sure we had the account right, hate to take someone else’s hard earned money. How much did you pay into a 401K? You didn’t have a 401K? No, I’m not laughing at you, Wanda just told me something funny that her son said last night.
Can I be honest? You’re never going to pay this off. I mean, Barack Freaking Obama, president of the free world, paid off his school loans just a couple years before being elected. And he didn’t major in film, you get me?
Despite that, you’re doing the right thing™. Yeah, they make me say that, you’d be surprised how many people say ‘see you in court’ and just never show. But most of those people live in Buicks on their parents’ front lawns. Well I’ll let you go so you can ponder the cheapest way to off yourself. Happy New Year! Stay safe, OK?”