Out This Fall: Imagined Book Excerpts Written By Real Authors

Hi, I’m Stacie and I might need professional help. Sometimes I get really bored and end up writing fake excerpts from fake books written by authors I’m not overly fond of to a hopefully humorous effect.

Excerpt from a completely made up book that Ayn Rand could have written 

Tawnie Fipplestein surveyed the vast grey parking lot in front of him. It takes a man, a real man, to look at an empty lot and say “I’m going to put a horse-meat factory there!” And that’s exactly what Tawnie intended on doing.

He kicked at a small pebble on the ground. Insignificant stone! With its feminine curves and weak nature. He stepped on the stone and it crumbled under his Sperry loafers with an exciting pop. “I’ll crush all the stones,” Tawnie thought to himself, “I’ll leave no stone unturned.”

Behind him was Christabelle, sitting on a park bench and admiring Tawnie’s round yet manly buttocks. “It takes a real man to look at an empty lot and say ‘I’m going to put a horse-meat factory there!” she thought to herself. As though he read her mind, Tawnie set his arms akimbo and flexed his cheeks. Christabelle sighed lustily and fanned herself with her kerchief.

Excerpt from a completely made up book that Stephenie Meyer could have written

I rose from my bed groggily, the night before still sour on my mind as I trudged towards my pink perfect bathroom. Mother insisted.

“All girls love pink!” she’d said, making  my eyes roll so far back in my head I thought they might get lost. I raised my tooth brush, also pink, to my white, straight teeth and thought of Elton. Laurie introduced us the night before. Everyone knew of him, but no one really knew him, as evidenced by Laurie’s halting introduction.

“He lives in the old Manor house. Now, I always thought that place was condemned?”

“No, it’s…beautiful,” he replied, his blue eyes, the color of freshly cleaned toilet water, trained on my face.

Raining again, of course, I thought to myself as I regarded my foamy-mouthed reflection. It always rains here in Spooner, Washington, where I was born and where I still lived. No one ever left Spooner. It was an inescapable place.

I piled my luxurious raven hair atop my head and pulled on my favorite pair of size two jeans. “Sardonica, breakfast!” my mother shouted up the carpeted stairs. I gulped a breath and padded down to the kitchen.

Excerpt from a completely made up book that Dan Brown could have written

Dr. Bone Inquisitor, Esq. surveyed the scene; one dead woman, covered in cornbread dust, a hanged Pomeranian, and a door stop. What could it mean, he thought moodily.

Chief Inspector Hannibal C. Blount entered the room. He looked around quickly, summing up events, as was his way.

“What we have here,” he started, picking an errant blond hair off his impeccable suit, “is one dead woman covered in cornbread dust, a hanged Pomeranian, and a door stop. What do you think it means?”

Bone knelt over the woman and took a whiff, waving his hand upwards to drum up more of the scent. “Smells like…”

“Maple syrup,” Inspector Blount offered with a snap of his fingers. Bone nodded perilously.

“Exactly,” he said, putting his pen in his mouth. “Maple syrup.”

Excerpt from a completely made up book that Chuck Palahniuk could have written

This dude, the one who’s blowing me in the alley, he takes my floppy dog from between his dick-sucking lips, looks up, and says,

“Did you know Houdini died from a blow to the torso?”

Keep on sucking, I tell him. He wraps his fat hairy hand around my dong and strokes it as he goes on.

“No, it’s true. Houdini challenged a strong man to punch him in the gut and the guy did it before he was ready. He had to brace himself for the blow.”

“Less talky, more sucky.”

“Marcel Proust was a mama’s boy, it’s a proven fact.”

I push the dude’s face into my crotch. The rest of his words were garbled by my dick and ratty pubic hair.

“Genghis Khan had tiny feet. Marilyn Monroe was really a guy. The colon can hold ten gallons of dung before it explodes.”

Little did I know just how right he was. TC mark

image – Casey Fleser

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  • http://twitter.com/robinhardwick Robin

    Ha! I want to critique your Chuck Palahnuik parody, but …..it’s kind of spot on. 

  • http://fazed-girl.blogspot.com Samantha

    Wow, if the Stephanie Meyer one didn’t have the toilet water part and you changed the names, it would be SO LEGIT.

    And the Chuck Palahniuk one is spot-on. Although I feel like he’d say dick or cock.

    I like this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    These are all perfect. You are perfect.

  • http://twitter.com/geology_rocks Haley F

    Do more! Do a Murakami!

    • Anonymous

      YES! Murakami please!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9383035 Scott Muska

      YES.

  • Guest

    ‘Sardonica’   hahaha

    more, please!

  • http://twitter.com/nawasaka Becky To

    Very good! I challenge you to do Haruki Murakami (as mentioned) and possibly Bret Easton Ellis as a bonus.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I died laughing at Dan Brown

  • Anthony

    Hi, I’m Stacie and I might need a lobotomy. Sometimes I get overtly jealous and end up writing terrible, out of context, excerpts from bestselling books written by authors I wish I had the skills to write like to an attention getting effect.

    • guest

      how mean?

    • Riya

      If you think Stephenie Meyer’s writing skills is something people will be better off with, I seriously doubt your credibility to poke fun at Stacie.

      • Anthony

        I did not defend Meyer’s writing capability.  I am merely questioning Stacie’s authority to critique authors who are obviously enjoyed my many many people.  What has she had published that could rival or best these successful authors?

    • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

      Your critique of my critique needs more dongs.

  • Rachel

    Anthony, If I could like your comment a MILLION times I would. 

  • Dan

    I was shaky on the Rand one until you used the word akimbo. I’m pretty certain it was her favorite word. And if it isn’t, and she didn’t actually use it, it seems like the type of word she would use. 

  • Anonymous

    I’m not a fan of the Dan Brown but the Chuck Palahnuik is so good I can’t complain.

  • Makiagoldrucks

    the chuck palahnuik one is so dead on that its confusing. as well as the stephenie meyer one. 

  • Anonymous
  • Whatwhat

    the effect is humorous!

  • Anonymous
  • Yaseen

    hahaha spot on and absolutely hilarious, heck i even like ayn rand but coulnt help burst out laughing! Keep up the good work!

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