1. Time is moving at a frightening rate. You used to fantasize about adulthood, and all of its great liberties. Now you are lucky if you eat breakfast and remember your own mother’s birthday.
2. You are no closer to knowing “who you are,” or “what you want to do.” You find yourself yearning for the swaggering confidence of your 17 year old self. “I was so unburdened and free” – before it was mainstream.
3. Bars have suddenly made you feel ancient, unstylish and creepy.
4. You are passionately nostalgic about 90’s TV shows.
5. Fridays have always been good, but now they are your new religion. End-of-week happy hour has become a sacred ritual in which you drown away all the adult things you had to do that week.
6. The current people in your life are your biggest cheerleaders. You’ve stopped trying to impress peripheral acquaintances, and “mortal enemies” are a thing of the past. You give and receive sincere support and affection to your circle, because there is no time to expend any pessimism or participate in any drama.
7. Physically seeing your friends has abruptly become a scheduled appointment, arranged one month out.
8. Eating cereal for every meal isn’t very satisfying anymore. Nor is it socially acceptable.
9. Your metabolism is a dickhead.
10. You had to purchase real luggage. And it felt kinda good.
11. Hangovers are no longer remedied with a glass of orange and a Denny’s “Grand Slam.” You are incapacitated, on the verge of hospitalization and suffering from severe alcohol-induced mood swings for two days. Your life, as you know it, feels like it’s coming to a bitter end. You half-ass a fad cleanse, until the next Friday.
12. People who reiterate their high school victory stories seem incredibly pathetic. Until you catch yourself musing over your own “league championship,” and the time you stoically led your team to triumph over the neighboring town.
13. You know every lyric to Silverchair’s, Anthem for the Year 2000, as well as Robbie Williams’, Millennium. Surviving the highly-anticipated “Year Two-Thousand” is something you’re oddly proud of. Even though nothing happened.
14. Your parents were always right. They were so kind, and you were such a parasite.
15. A part of you plans to escape and be apathetic forever, and the other part is motivated to take over the world. Dynamic, hopeless tension. A generation with too many options.
16. Domestication is officially cool. Unexpectedly, you are discussing Swiffers, hemp recipes and paleo mayo with your friends. And really enjoying it.
17. On the one hand, your ovaries ache every time you see an Kid of Instagram, yet you’ve never felt less ready to actually make one of your own.
18. You thought you were on the Ten Year Plan. By the time you were the prehistoric age of 30, you were going to have three kids, a sky-diving license, a golden retriever, a vacation home and a mortgage-free, vegan lifestyle. Then you were 30 and none of those things happened. Shit.
19. You still want your Mom when you’re sick. I doubt this ever changes.
20. You keep expecting to “get into trouble,” but you don’t. Staying up all night? Playing video games? Spending money carelessly? Avoiding the dentist? Surely there is an iron fist around the corner.