10 Signs You’re Having A Love Affair With Your Phone

According to a recent survey, one in three people consider their cell phone more helpful than their significant other. Whoa. Pause, absorb. This daunting statistic exemplifies an issue that I call “cell escapism”.

Reality can be heavy. Our partners can be assholes. A smartphone is a magical, reliable platform in which humans can escape from a mediocre life. Cell phones are a choice companion, one with infinite information and channels for all the people we want to perv, or stay in touch with.

However, cell escapism is a precarious slope, my friends. In the words of our favourite rapper-narcissist, those little devices are only getting harder, better, faster and stronger. Check yourself for the insidious symptoms of love.

10 Signs You’re Having a Love Affair with Your Phone:

1. At night, you dream about its smooth, flawless screen and the way it feels on your thumbs. You sleep with it under your pillow and it is the first thing you reach for in the morning. You literally would not get out of bed without it.

2. You monitor its temperature. In the winter, you bundle it up and in the summer you keep it shaded and cool.

3. You can’t resist buying cute little accessories to keep it stylish and safe.

4. When it’s on silent, you feel nervy and lonesome. You miss it, and it’s not just physical.

5. When you can’t find it, you suffer the same trepidation as a parent who has lost their kid at Disneyland. You run through crowds of unsuspecting people, shouting accusations and crying in unrestrained panic and misery.

6. You are completely addicted. You cannot go 30 seconds without checking it, yet when you’re together, time has no meaning.

7. You feel a mixture of empathy and fear when its battery is low and will stop at nothing to charge it.

8. You’ve never felt like this before. Call it infatuation, but it’s the best you’ve ever had.

9. Your cell never lets you down. It gets you home, cooks with you, entertains you, works out with you, reads to you, and sings to you. What’s more, it’s always available and incapable of judgment.

10. That one time you made out with it. It was weird, but it happened.