You Made Me Believe In Love Again

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Lauren Rader / Unsplash

I’ve been single for the better part of 10 years now, except for a few short-lived flings here and there. The last time I was in a serious relationship I was 23, and that feels like a whole lifetime ago now. That relationship was the romance everybody wishes for, until it wasn’t. We fell in love hard and fast. I’d known him for several years before we dated, and still, every time he looked at me my heart would race. Kissing him was electric. Every cliché about romance came true when I was with him. And then it fell apart.

In the 9 years that have since followed, I have yet to find love again. I’ve spent countless aching hours wondering why that may be. The easiest conclusion to draw was that there’s something wrong with me, so I spent years thinking that must be it. I was too emotional, too needy, had too much baggage. I was repelling men with all that. No one wants to be with someone so intense.

Or maybe I’d exhausted my one chance at true love. Surely a love like that wouldn’t come around more than once, would it? I was the one who ended my last relationship—did I curse myself to live without love for the rest of my life? How could I have walked away from a love so big and expected that love would touch my life again any time soon?

Because of all this, I’ve spent the last several years believing I was undeserving of love. That’s what happens when you don’t hear the words “I love you” spoken to you for a long time. You start to believe that you don’t deserve them. This flawed thought process sent me to a very dark place for a while. Thankfully, after putting a great deal of effort into personal growth, I’ve picked myself up out of that space and finally love myself, and just in time, because…

Then I met you, and all of a sudden I believe in love again. When you look at me, my heart races. When you smile at me, it beats even faster. Whenever I think of you, my thoughts come to me in a poetic sort of fashion. In fact, I’ve started writing more poetry ever since we met, which had been a personal goal of mine. You’re not even mine, you probably never will be, but you make me better.

Just by knowing you, I feel an invigorating energy that my life has been lacking. Being around you makes me want to be the best version of myself that I can be. The version of myself who is wholly, completely deserving of being told “I love you”. I’m still holding on to a little ray of hope that they might slip off your tongue someday, but even if they don’t, I know they’ll find their way to me eventually. TC mark

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