1. The perpetual party animal.
You’re in a relationship with a handsome, charming hipster, but can’t remember the last time this person wanted to stay home and have a quiet night with you. He can’t relax unless he’s heading to a party and is surrounded by 10 of his friends. He fears missing out on something by staying in when the person he should fear missing out on is right in front of him.
2. The kept man.
His family pays for him to maintain a certain lifestyle and he lets them control all of his major decisions. He either lives with them or is provided money for his living expenses and they regularly pick out furniture, electronics, clothing and vacations for him. If the family doesn’t like someone that he’s dating, she’s history. If the family doesn’t like the shirt he’s wearing, he changes. He’s got purse strings attached to him and he’s not showing any sign of cutting them loose.
3. The over-the-top sports fan.
He’s on seven different local recreational sports teams like kickball, corn hole, bowling and ultimate frisbee. He’s never missed a game, even when it was your birthday and there was a blizzard outside. His favorite part of the games is happy hour, when he plays beer pong and counts this as a workout.
4. The lady lover.
There are 15 phone numbers programmed into his cell phone with contact names like, “Wednesday Night” and “Skinny Legs.” He loves staying in touch with ex-girlfriends, but if questioned he’ll say he’s not interested, even when they’re calling him regularly between 2 and 4 AM.
5. The commitment-phobe.
You’ve been living together for years, he swears he loves you, but when you bring up getting engaged or married, he rolls his eyes and questions why you want to ruin a good thing. He’s never had a serious girlfriend without cheating on her. He’s usually bored with a new love interest by the third date.
6. The shameless flirt.
His favorite part of taking you out to dinner is flirting with the waitresses. He mentions his bucket list goal of having a threesome and that anyone who ends up with him must participate.
7. The financial disaster.
He spends money as soon as he gets it and doesn’t understand the concept of putting funds away for the future. He can’t remember the last time he had more than $5 in his wallet. He has no idea where his next paycheck is coming from and he has no intention of sticking with the same job for more than a few weeks.
8. The eternal college bro.
He sleeps on a waterbed, keeps a bong next to his bed and burns incense in his living room to counter the ever present pot odor. He regularly spends full days of his life watching marathons of The Simpsons, playing video games or engrossed in poker tournaments that could go on for days.
9. The adrenaline junky.
He’s always training for something intense like a double marathon, the running of the bulls, hiking the biggest mountain on each continent, or earning his scuba certification. His need to seek a thrill constantly ends up taking up so much of his time and energy that he has very little left to give . You also have to wonder if his obsession with one-upping himself is rooted in some serious insecurities.
10. The diehard traveler.
He hasn’t even unpacked his bags from his last adrenaline filled, exotic backpacking trip and he’s already planning to disappear into the wilderness for another six months. He doesn’t understand why anyone would want to stay in the same city and go to the same job day after day.
11. The dreamer.
He routinely mentions his goal to “live on a farm for a year or two to grow his own food” or perhaps “head to China to finally immerse himself in a foreign language and live abroad.” He’s also fiddling with the idea of starting a band and going on tour. And he has countless ideas for “groundbreaking” inventions that he never quite gets around to pursuing.
12. The eternal child.
When you mention that you’d love to have kids one day, he turns pale, starts profusely sweating and then you stop hearing from him altogether. He can barely take care of himself, so the idea of being responsible for another human being is beyond foreign to him – it’s absolutely terrifying.
13. The master of the disappearing act.
His nights regularly begin at 11 PM and continue late into the early morning hours. Sometimes you have no idea where he goes or when the next time you’ll hear from him will be. He’s warm and thoughtful one minute, then completely disinterested and too busy for you the next. You never have any clue where you stand with him, exactly.
14. The immature idiot.
Streaking, toilet papering his neighbor’s house and drag racing are his idea of how to have fun. He may be spontaneous and a bit mysterious but when it comes to husband material, he’s got a lot to learn.