1. Please, oh please, do not take too much off. My hair and I are literally attached at the root. I don’t take kindly to having it removed too drastically. It’s a body part, after all.
2. This hair stylist person knows what she’s doing, right? Let her not be having a bad haircut day, a terrible fight with her significant other, an unsteady hand slip – just let it be an ordinary day where she’s at her most brilliant with hair cutting techniques. Even if I’ve used her before, I’m always a bit worried. And if I’ve never used her before, it’s like holding your breath until the end product is presented.
3. Wait. Why did I think I needed a haircut? My hair looks AMAZING in the incredible lighting of this beauty salon. Should I make up an excuse and run out of here?
4. I wish I had the hair of the person sitting to my left (or right). Why am I getting it cut? I want it longer. That girl’s hair looks so pretty and it’s long. Mine could be long.
5. Do I need to strike up a conversation with my hair stylist, if there’s been a lull for a while? Is it anti social to sit here and check my phone for 45 minutes?
6. Can I just opt not to speak to my hair stylist at all? I know it might be considered rude, but sometimes, I just want to sit in a chair and not speak and stare at myself in the mirror across from me and have someone work on my hair without having to think or respond or listen. It’s selfish, but it’s my “me time.”
7. What the heck was the name of the person that washed my hair? How much do I need to tip him/her?
8. If I close my eyes, will I wake up bald?
9. Why didn’t he/she take more off?
10. Does it even look like I got a haircut?
11. Will I get clocked in the head with the hairdryer or a brush? It won’t be on purpose, most likely, but all it takes is one second of distraction and BAM, that thing will hit me straight in the eye.
12. She’s already cut too much off. Do I say something or just concede that it will all grow back eventually? Will crying help?
13. Should I go even shorter? What will my significant other think? What will my friends say? Will I just keep hearing, “Wow, it looks so healthy,” which is a kinder way of saying, “They really butchered your hair.”
14. Why does my hair stylist seem to have a much wilder, adventurous and spontaneous life style than me?
15. Should I go blonder? Darker? Ombre? Extensions? Redhead? Highlights? Lowlights? Shave it and start over?
16. Assuming the haircut turns out well, I plan to run into every single former significant other and pretend that I casually have perfectly blown out, healthy looking hair at all times.
17. Oh no. The person who used to cut my hair is working today. I purposely scheduled this appointment to avoid him/her. Do I say, “hello?” or ignore them completely? Will they ask me why I stopped using them? Are they offended?
18. Am I staring at myself in the mirror too much? Should I look away? Does everyone think that I’m vain for checking myself out for the last 30 minutes? Do I care?