1. Dry shampoo. I am not exactly sure when this miracle product hit shelves. It certainly wasn’t mainstream five years ago. Either way, if you haven’t discovered the joys of spritzing your head with dry shampoo and watching your hair become like new again, you are missing out. It volumizes and removes hair dirt and oil in seconds. It also buys you at least several more days of not needing to shampoo (and shower).
2. Outfit change. Putting on fresh clothing is kind of like showering. Or at least it’s like your clothes have showered. Shouldn’t that count? You instantly smell better and no longer have spit up, body odor, or baby drool stuck to you. For at least 30 seconds.
3. Baby wipes on dirty areas. If baby wipes clean a baby’s face, body, and diaper area, I see no reason why moms can’t use them for themselves. Have breast milk or regurgitated formula on your neck or shoulder? Just baby wipe it! Plus they come in such large quantities that this justifies using dozens of wipes on adult armpits, faces, bikini areas, and feet. Or just keep your shoes on and save yourself a couple of extra wipes.
4. Wash the front part of your hair. If your oily and unkempt hair roots reveal your lack of showering, try wetting and shampooing the front part of your scalp. A quick blow-dry of the front half of your head, and you’re practically salon worthy. It takes 1/3 the time of showering.
5. Hide the stench in layers. You’ve been wearing the same shirt for a few days now and have no intention of changing? Layer up. Put dryer sheets in your armpits. Mask the stinky top with a sweatshirt and a coat.
6. Blame the smell on someone else. You’re in a crowded elevator and someone wrinkles his nose. You’re in line at the grocery store and see someone cupping her face. Whisper loudly to the person you’re with or fake a cell phone conversation if alone. Say, “It really stinks in here. I wonder who it is?” Use an offended and slightly belligerent tone.
7. Don’t leave the house. Cancel plans if it requires that you need to appear clean.
8. Dress up. Search your closet for something you’d wear to an upscale restaurant. Go the distance with leggings, accessories, and leather boots. Wash your face and put makeup on. Dressing nicely implies that you showered.
9. Body spray. Go nuts with romantic spritzes like Sexy Little Things from Victoria’s Secret or Juniper Breeze from Bath and Body Works. Go often enough that the people working at these stores know you by first name and preferred scent. Make sure you spray your armpits and hair, especially after you’ve walked your baby around in a stroller all weekend and still see no need to shower.
10. Join a cause. You know how people are always raising money by running a race, cycling in place, or doing triathlons? How about saving water by agreeing not to shower indefinitely? You’re not a slob, you’re a heroine!
11. Trying out dreadlocks as a new mommy-cut. Talk about low maintenance. You can stop buying shampoo, conditioner, and all hair products if you opt for dreadlocks or “mommylocks.”
12. Baby cleaning spray. If you are attacked by baby bodily fluids on an hourly basis and showering / changing clothes serve little purpose, try using a baby cleaning spray product. I often carry a travel sized baby cleaning spray bottle in my purse and don’t blink an eye if my baby spits up all over me. I instantly squirt myself with the spray, wipe myself down with a burp cloth, and go about my day. Shower avoided.
13. Hand soap trick. A fellow mom-friend of mine once found herself so preoccupied with preparing the baby for a night out with her husband that she forgot to put on deodorant before leaving for a restaurant. Escaping to the bathroom, she improvised by wiping the liquid lavender hand soap under her armpits. Her husband complimented her on smelling so wonderfully that she has subsequently opted for this trick over showering on several occasions.
14. Get a haircut, shampoo, and blow dry. Your hair looks wonderful and you’ve successfully avoided a shower! Not to mention, you’ve achieved a few minutes of peace and quiet.
15. Washcloth in smelly parts. Similar to the baby wipes trick, you can simply wet and soap up a washcloth, and run it over any particularly dirty body parts. This is a last-ditch effort before showering because if you’re stinky enough to need a soapy wash cloth, just get in the shower already!
16. Ice Bucket Challenge. If you haven’t been nominated yet to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge that tied up your Facebook feed several months ago, challenge yourself. It’s for a good cause. Just remember to add some soap and shampoo to your ice bucket.
17. Go swimming. Maybe your baby takes a swim class that requires your participation. Chlorine is kind of like soap, right?
18. Car wash. Either spray yourself down while washing your own car or walk through a car wash yourself. Don’t forget a dry towel.
19. Dog licks. Pets love to lick the faces of their dirty, sweaty human parents. The next time you’re in need of some grooming, let a dog give you face lick. This is how they clean themselves in the wild, right? Which is kind of the equivalent of getting a bath.
20. Spa day. 1 haircut + 1 blowdry + 1 mani / pedi + 1 really thorough Brazilian bikini wax + a walk through a department store and getting sprayed with perfume = 1 shower. So long as you remember to put deodorant on.