1. They spell your name wrong when they email you. It doesn’t matter that they’ve known you for years. They use strange, obscure spelling — like Jay-mee instead of Jamie or Jaime. Or Peater or Peighter instead of Peter. You’re not sure if it’s a typo, they’re just trying to anger you or they really don’t know how to spell. If you correct them, they may or may not apologize. Then they continue to spell it wrong.
2.They only email you in group settings or group texts to tell long, rambling anecdotes. They type in all CAPS, with no punctuation and say non-linear, sporadic thoughts like, “HONESTLY NOBODY APPRECIATES ME AND I NEED A COFFEE BUT MY BOSS HAS NO IDEA HOW MUCH CRAP I KNOW ABOUT HER AND COULD BRING HER DOWN AND DID YOU KNOW THAT I”, and end emails mid-sentence without any explanation. They don’t ask or even imply that they’re curious about your day.
3. They start calling up your exes and flirting with them and don’t flinch if you find out. If confronted, they act like it’s no big deal and say things like, “We only slept together. It’s not like I want a relationship.”
4. They post photos online of get-togethers they hosted with large groups of people without inviting you. They tag these photos as “The BEST BESTIES that I can’t live without.”
5. They are ALWAYS late to meet you. They offer no apologies or excuses and pretend it’s a cute character flaw that’s part of their charm.
6. They stop wearing deodorant, showering, or brushing their teeth. Then they go with you to the movies and whisper questions about the movie into your ear the entire time. They laugh excessively loudly and finish each guffaw with a resonating clap. They ignore the other theatergoers shushing them.
7. They make unreasonable, possessive demands. They tell you that you’re spending too much time with your significant other. They act distant when you decline plans because you have a date. They regularly give you speeches about how selfish you are when you spend the night at your significant other’s home versus hanging out with them.
8. They start seeing a loud-mouthed, drug-using, socially awkward freak show who loves to make inappropriate comments at your expense. They never intercede on your behalf, particularly when their new fling insults you.
9. If you lend them money, they never pay you back.
10. They send all of your incoming calls to voicemail because they never feel like answering. You could play phone tag for weeks but get the feeling they strategically call you when they know you’re not around. When they do actually answer the phone, they say something belligerent like, “Hey, stranger!” in a semi-annoyed tone that sends the message that it’s YOUR fault for not being in touch more regularly.
11. They reveal that they have started seeing their crazy ex again. The one who cheated on them, broke their heart, and is now married with children.
12. They return phone calls to you only at 8 AM and 11 PM on weekdays. If you try to call back, even 30 seconds later or at any other point, nobody answers. Their outgoing voicemail message says something like, “Hi. I’m really busy. If this is urgent, please leave a very brief message. I will try to call you back soon.”
13. When out with a group, they give their friends crap for wanting to go home before midnight. They buy you shots to keep you out and act exceedingly mad when you start yawning or mention your early morning. They call you names like, “Loser!” or “Grandpa!”
14. They get engaged and expect your entire life and personal budget to revolve around their wedding plans. They get super pissed and hostile when you don’t want to fly in for their engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette/bachelor party AND wedding.
15. They never call, acknowledge, or celebrate your birthday even though they throw themselves a birthday party every year, demanding everyone drop everything to attend.
16. They get excessively drunk on a night out and expect you to be their bodyguard, nurse, and therapist on a regular basis.
17. They borrow your clothing, movies, and books and return them stained, damaged, or not at all. They act like these items were a gift and give them to another friend to borrow.
18. The majority of time out with their friends is spent on an electronic device — texting, emailing, and checking their Twitter feed. They get annoyed if you try to have an actual conversation with them. If you tell them about a problem and ask for advice, they respond with something that reveals they didn’t listen to a word.
19. You attend a concert together. They post 75 blurry, pictures of the stage from nose bleed seats on their social media accounts. They tag you in each photo, including the poorly angled ones of your other friend revealing four chins and a close-up of your huge nose zit.
20. As soon as you tell your friend how sick you feel or how much work you have, they cut you off and one-up you. They describe how they almost died from a headache or how they once worked three weeks in a row for 24 hours a day without sleep.
21. Lie, lie, lie. They lie about little, insignificant things. Like how they gave CPR to a cat on the subway. That their uncle ran into Donald Trump at the gym and they are now golf buddies. That they once trained to be a figure skater in the Olympics but had to stop due to ankle injuries.