The 23-Year-Old Woman’s Guide to Drinking Alone

alicemaze
alicemaze

Let me tell you how to get the most authentic Drinking Alone experience.

(The following advice is written out of personal experiences (reiterating plurality) and has been proven effective by the brain of a 23 year old woman who is wannabe 25 year old.)

Step one:

Fuck fancy. Of course if you REALLY want to, then it’s cool.

But get that absolutely normal glass, and fill it up with your liquor of choice. And I, despite my okay-ish salary don’t splurge into expensive alcohol. I got my brands sorted and a regular Blenders Pride with an occasional Teacher Highland Cream gets me warm and fuzzy.

Step two:

Turn on that PC/laptop.

The Internet if going to be your favorite person. You will soon realize why entire generations are hooked onto it. It gives you company, doesn’t judge you and even if your Chrome is infected (like mine is), you will find peace in the fact that if some day few hackers decide to make you feel special, they will find unforgivable amount of links on the Kardashians and TIps to Lose Weight.

Step three:

Put that phone away.

Not kidding! Calling up friends as you enjoy your personal intoxicated time is not always the best idea. Some nights it’s the best idea, but on most you want to spend this precious isolation with yourself. Fun tip: if you drink late enough, none of them will be actually awake to reply.

Step four: 

Start drinking.

Step five: 

Put on either m*****fucking sexy songs or some precious 90’s soft rock. If you are not in the mood for music, then outrageous and unrealistically difficult cake videos can be your third option.

Step six:

Go full cray on your Facebook timeline.

Open that Jezebel link you stopped yourself from few hours ago, take all of those dumb Buzzfeed quizzes that validate whatever you are feeling. If NOTHING is amusing enough, go to Sonam Kapoor’s Instagram account and watch Prem Ratan Dhan Payo dubsmashes.

Step seven:

While engaging yourself in mindless social media take few breaks to look at yourself. Your hands, your room, feel some gratitude your ungrateful fucker. Look around…look around an ex’s profile…even better your boyfriend’s ex’s profile. Then laugh, and let any godforsaken emotion reign over you.

Step eight.

Practice your art.

If you haven’t allowed your conscious to experience the art your subconscious craves, then this is the perfect time. And if you have, then voila! Go ahead and write something like “A 23 year old’s guide to drinking alone”.

Step nine.

Stop drinking.

The fun part of getting high alone is that you never get sloshed. There is no peer pressure of getting forced one-more-obviously-a-mistake-drink down your throat. When you get the desired quality of buzz, stop. And if your desired quality of buzz is getting hammered, then you are not ready to drink alone.

Step ten.

Bring that phone in now.

Message your best friend that you are fucking high, let her talk you to sleep as you cuddle your dogs.

This my friends, is how I like to spend quality time with myself. If you like to go on walks and stare demonically at people there, instead of stalking online then that’s completely fine too.

The point is, take time out for yourself, and without sounding schizophrenic, take yourself out for a drink.

Cheers!TC mark

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  • http://happilyhostile.wordpress.com M

    The link doesn’t work for me =( I bet it’s funny though cause Step Six is certainly something I participate in.

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