10 a.m.: Did you get laid last night? (OR: I got laid last night, please ask me about it)
11 a.m.-noon: Brunch?
1-4 p.m.: I am legitimately curious as to what is up and would potentially like to casually hang out. We may also have made plans for this evening that I am beginning to think you may have forgotten about, just let this serve as your subtle reminder.
5-6 p.m.: I made no plans for dinner but now realized in a terrible twist of fate that I am out of essential groceries. Please stop doing whatever you are doing in order to accompany me somewhere to dinner so I do not have to suffer through the traumatic experience that is “eating alone in public.” Also, if you have already eaten, can you please just not tell me and I will later question why you aren’t ordering much but not actually feel bad because, hey, at least I’m not eating alone.
7-9 p.m.: This timeframe can get ambiguous. Here are a few possibilities:
- Do you want to hang out at any point this evening, particularly with the prospect of potentially hooking up later?
- Do you know where to get (any drug imaginable)?
- Time to pregame. #Yolo.
10 p.m.: Where is the party.
11 p.m.-midnight: The party or social event I am currently at is not up to par. Please list the ways in which your current location is going to be superior to mine and then invite me to come there. Statistics such as the gender ratio, amount of beautiful people, and likeliness of free drinks would also be immensely appreciated.
3-4 a.m.: Hello! I know we are not exactly dating or may have been at some point but it has flared out, but I am relatively intoxicated by one substance or another and starting to realize I don’t especially feel like sleeping alone tonight. I also would not be opposed in anyway to having sex.
5-7 a.m.: Existential crisis. Best to not respond.
Keep in mind, these all are entirely subject to change and vary. Any time of day is prone to meaning, “Let’s have sex,” or “Let’s get f-cked up.” Good luck.