1. “I am never having sex again.”
You only realize how overrated sex in general is when you might actually have to confront the repercussions it can possibly bring. No matter how hot the sex you had was at the time, you immediately want to retire from the game entirely and spend the rest of your life holding hands, knitting blankets for babies, and being a completely asexual human being. Your brain just goes into “damage control” mode and realizes how your life would be just as good if you never again engaged in a sex act. It’s just not worth it.
2. “I didn’t even have sex, but I’m definitely pregnant.”
And even if you didn’t actually have sex, your batshit-insane brain can’t help but make up some absurd story about how you might have accidentally sat on some dried semen on a subway seat or something horrific like that and now you are magically pregnant for no reason. You are ready to accept the idea that you are the second coming of Mary and you are with Divine Child rather than than just be calm about the whole thing. When your period is late, there is only panic and pain.
3. “I am even more broke than I thought I was.”
Don’t look at your bank account when you are late. Just don’t do it. No matter how broke/in poor control of your finances you imagined you were before this happened, get ready to raise it to the power of 10 when you consider the extremely expensive ramifications of the current situation. No matter what you plan to do if worst comes to worst, it’s all going to be more money than you have at the ready. And it will immediately make you feel like any progress you have made as an adult is completely erased in your new predicament.
4. “Why don’t men have to experience this? It’s so unfair.”
The resentment that you feel towards the clueless guy who could have possibly made this happen — if there even is a “this” to begin with — is unmatched. It’s just so fucking unfair, and no matter how much they try to comfort you in the moment, they will never understand the struggle.
5. “I am so irresponsible.”
You immediately look at your life. You look at your choices. You look at your tendency to go out until all hours of the night and end up in ridiculous photos on Facebook the next morning. You are clearly in a phase of your life that has to do with changes, and adventure, and travel, and mistakes — not kids. You never really understand how irresponsible the 20s can be until you are faced with something that makes you consider what an adult actually is, and how you are not at all in that position yet. And even though you love your current phase of “being a little too crazy a little too often,” you know that it’s not sustainable. And you know that there is too much growing up and having awesome things happen in the future that don’t involve having a kid right now.
6. “I’m not even religious, but I need to pray right now.”
Everyone becomes spiritual in moments of difficulty, and you are no exception. Even if you never tell anyone, there is likely going to come a moment when you are lying in bed facing the ceiling and you think, “Please, God, if you’re out there — I know I am a complete fool and I should be more careful in my life, but please don’t do this to me. I have too much awesome shit coming up and I really can’t deal with this right now. I promise that, if you save me right now, I’ll do something really good. I’ll give more money to charity or I’ll help my friend move or I won’t steal my neighbor’s internet anymore. I promise. I love you, don’t do this to me.”