Having recently started a blog, I am now the proud owner of my very own troll. This is both a source of pain and a source of pride. First, I am glad he has noticed little old me amid the 644 million active websites that make up the Internet; second, it intrigues me because I am not sure exactly what the devil he was trying to accomplish. Does he want us to be friends? Does he want me to stop writing? It’s so confusing! Tell me, troll—what do you want from me?
I have been thinking long and hard about what to do in this situation and have come up with the following handy guide should you ever need it.
Disclaimer: However you decide to handle your troll, it is up to you. Make sure you use the appropriate safety equipment, and remember—they may bite when aroused.
1. Ignore them.
This is also known as “taking the high road.” It will serve you in good stead and is definitely the way forward, but it is also a little dull.
2. Report them.
You wouldn’t be happy if a troll came into your house and defecated on your Grey’s Anatomy DVDs, so don’t let them do it on your Facebook page. This is definitely one to do if they are making threats to life or limb. The website chiefs should be able to help.
3. Comfort them.
I would think it is hard work being a troll. Imagine the hours you would have to spend finding the perfect victim and coming up with so many sarcastic comments. It must be a full-time job! They probably haven’t had a day off in ages and definitely don’t get minimum wage, bless ’em.
4. Respond to them.
Try and avoid breaking into all-out war if you can, as that would no doubt make the situation worse, but a cheeky, “So’s your face” might shut them up. Caution—this is akin to dangling a zebra carcass in front of a hungry lion. Only do this if you are prepared for them to go full-blown Incredible Hulk on you.
5. Kill them with kindness.
“Aw, thanks for you kind comment on my blog, Mr. Troll. I really appreciate the “yo mama” joke; you don’t get a lot of them these days!” The troll is an odd species and won’t know what to do. Are you offended? Do you find him funny? Are you being honest? He might just stomp and stomp until he bursts into flames—oh, no, wait, that’s Rumpelstiltskin.
6. Delete them.
One of the joys of the Internet is that while you may have to deal with idiots on a daily basis in the real world, on the World Wide Web you don’t have to deal with this shit. Click, click—deleted.
7. Turn them into a pencil topper.
If all else fails, stick them on top of your pencil. If you imagine him naked with rainbow stripes in his hair and an HD pencil up his arse, he instantly becoming less terrifying and more hilarious.