Are you aged 26 to 35?
Do you rent an apartment in a city with a housemate?
Can you always find money for wine but have not yet paid the electricity bill?
Congratulations! Your life sounds awesome!
If, like me, you have made the drastic decision to get your shit together, you may have realised that the only way this is possible is to take the unenviable step and move back in with your parents.
This may be the worst decision we have ever made. Fortunately for you, I have come up with 21 things every Boomerang child needs to do before returning to the nest. Caveat – this list may have a negative overall effect on your life, but at least it will make your last few months of freedom bloody good fun!
1. Have a one-night stand
Be safe but don’t be sorry!
2. Spend a lot of time naked
Inside obviously (always ask housemate’s permission unless she is out)
3. Eat your dinner in bed
If your mum is like my mum this is tantamount to spitting on the Bible
4. Buy something incredibly expensive
In a few weeks’ time you’ll have to smuggle it in – may also be useful to stock up on decoy bags from less expensive shops.
5. Store a spare outfit in your office
Yes you haven’t been home – but your boss doesn’t need to know that!
6. Have a wine before noon on a Saturday
You should already be doing this but if not – start.
7. Watch a DVD box set marathon
Lord knows your parents will want you to spend your weekends “being productive” so you can say bye-bye to watching a series of 24 in one sitting.
8. Read 50 Shades of Grey
Do you really want your dad to find this?
9. Replace the stuff that you have lost that your parent’s bought you
“I think it’s at the flat” won’t cut it anymore. If you don’t have it, it is lost. Replace it. Quickly.
10. Join all social networks
They will have Wifi – you must use it.
11. Go for cocktails on a Tuesday
Even though you left school over ten years ago your mum will not have forgotten that “it’s a school night”.
12. Enjoy the walk to work
It’s public transport for you from now on. Enjoy your personal space whilst you have it…go on swing your arms around, breathe in the fresh air, skip if you want to!
13. Throw a huge leaving party
Your neighbours complained that you were loud before – now you can really piss them off! Does anyone know how to tap dance?
14. Go on Tinder
Guarantee they’ll be less people within a ten mile radius when you are living in the ‘burbs.
15. Find your new favourite coffee shop/bar
Memorize everything about it, how you feel there, how it looks, the smell. This will become your Happy Place and will be very useful in the upcoming times of crisis. Remember when you used to have a nice glass of red to calm down? Your mother will now be standing in front of the wine rack with a disapproving look on her face. Wine may not always be an option. Do not underestimate the importance of the Happy Place.
16. Scope out your friend’s apartments
You will be in need of an emergency sofa at some stage so plan ahead. May be useful to alternate friends so your ‘rents don’t discover that “I’m staying at Katie’s” really means “I think I’m going to get drunk and I may or may not wake up at Katie’s in the morning, it depends how the night goes”.
17. Have the worst hangover you have ever had
Believe me – do it now before your parents wake you up with the leaf blower at 7am.
18. Tell your housemate how much you appreciate them
You will miss them I promise. (JB – I love you *sob*)
19. Practice telling your parents that you are going for a drink after work
“I am going to be late back tonight as I have a networking event”
20. Spend all of your money
You are moving back to save, technically you don’t need to start saving until you move back.
21. Say thank you
Your parents probably would rather you didn’t move back so they are doing you a huge favour. Just don’t ever ever think about what they have put on their To Do list before you arrive…